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"Oh God! Must...turn off...TV...arrghh!" |
Cambridge, MA - Based on his work
during this year’s NCAA hoops tourney, announcer Dick
Vitale has officially surpassed butter, cigarettes and
liquor to claim the top spot among heart ailment causes. The Harvard
Medical School study compared a test group of 400 adults
who ate butter, smoked Viceroy cigarettes, drank Southern Comfort
and watched only Vitale-called basketball games for a month with
a similar-sized control group that ate butter, smoked Viceroy
cigarettes, drank Southern Comfort and watched whatever it wanted.
The control group was only seven times more likely to have major
coronary problems while the test group was 19 times more likely.
“This is a major breakthrough,” said doctor Felnoob
Lumbayeeshna, “especially for the butter industry, which
up to this point caught too much of the crap.” Lumbayeeshna
said that because of the ESPN schedule, eliminating Vitale is
not possible but controlling your intake of him is. “There’s
a silver lining in all this,” added Lumbayeeshna. “In
preliminary studies on small test groups of clinical catatonia
victims, large doses of Vitale on televisions over their beds
has caused distinct elevations of blood pressure and in once case
caused a patient to jump up and cry out, ‘I will kill whoever
that is.’”
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