BOOKIES BLAME ‘NO RED CARPET’ FOR POOR OSCARS SPEECHES!
Primm, Nevada – Las Vegas bookies took a bloodbath Sunday when the lack of red carpet asskissing at this year’s Academy Awards caused fumbled speeches, rusty thank yous and a complete disruption of the acceptance speech over-unders. “Anyone with an ‘over’ bet on a speech won big and just killed us,” said Dominic the Griddle from King Tut’s Sportsbook. “Them actors was hackin’ around like regular people up there!” The Griddle added, “How ‘bout that actor winner guy Brody who had the stones to stop the band when they cut in?! You do that in Vegas, you’re dead.” Acting coach Dorio Parma said, actors are like athletes - they need a certain amount of cloying ass-kissing in order to be adequately warmed up for an awards show. You can’t yank that from them without it showing.” Only a handful of presenters and winners were able to shut down their concern for others and find the correct level of narcissism. Host Steve Martin avoided the pitfall. “I actually had them bring a red carpet and some entertainment show reporter look-a-likes into my dressing room so I could get adequately pre-asskissed,” said Martin. “Then my trainer Tony Garofalo sprayed my seventh vertebrae with Xylocain and I was in a zone.”

VERMONT TRAVEL WOES INTENSIFY!
Quiet, VT - The University of Vermont Catamounts, who suffered through snowstorms and airport delays on their way to their first round loss in the NCAA hoops tourney, experienced more bad luck trying to get back home. On the way to the airport for the return trip, the Catamounts bus broke down in the Wasatch Mountains near Salt Lake City during an isolating blizzard that lasted two days and forced starting members of the squad to eat players from the end of the bench just to stay alive. Then, to add insult to injury, their turboprop charter was overweight and the team’s luggage had to be sent back to Vermont via a Mailboxes Etc. in Provo. Said assistant Coach Wing Tilley, “it was tough, but we as teachers had to find a way to make it a learning experience for the kids. I mean, at least the kids who weren’t eaten.” The team arrived back in Vermont two days late but in exchange received ‘A’s on the tests they had missed.

PACERS TO TRADE ARTEST FOR "SUGE" KNIGHT!
Indianapolis, IN - The Indiana Pacers have contacted the California Penal System to see if the state prison at Chino would be interested in a straight-up trade of Pacer forward Ron Artest, the league’s flagrant foul record-setter, with LA record producer "Suge" Knight, serving time on a number of charges. “It’s got nothing to do with the flagrant foul issue,” said Pacers’ scout Roddy Halpern. “We just think Suge has the bulk we’re looking for in the low post and can light it up if he gets hot.” Warden Ansel Brock said, “We can’t really make no trades, we’re a prison. That Halpern guy is bugging the hell outta me.” Halpern responded, saying, “Okay, it actually does have something to do with Artest’s flagrant fouls. We’re scared to death. Is that what you want me to admit? There you go. Fine. We’re big chickens. How ‘bout I trade Artest to you for the cash in your pocket? Eighteen bucks. You don’t want him, do you? So NOW who’s the chicken, hah? Walk a mile in my shoes, Mr. Judgmental Reporter.” Artest has approved the trade.

ISTANBUL/DAKAR ROAD RALLY TAKING A BIT LONGER!
Istanbul, Turkey - The third annual Istanbul/Dakar road rally is taking “slightly longer” than expected, according to race officials, because of slow going through Iraq due to sandstorms, lack of water, and tank fire. “We really should’ve used Mapblast,” said Antoine Renet of Switzerland, who’s custom Fiat was stuck in neutral. “I’m sure there’s a way through Syria that’s just as pretty and less susceptible to tank fire.” The French Peugeot team has yet to start, citing a transmission problem and tank fire. Team Toyota withdrew due to a chassis problem and tank fire. Team BMW cited a lack of anti-tank body work as the reason for its withdrawal. Three men from Jordan lead the race in a ’67 Chevy with no top.

ESPN ADDS LO-CARB CHANNEL!
Bristol, CT - ESPN Networks announced it will add to its broadcast family The Lo Carb Channel, which will consist of only athletes on lo carb diets competing in whatever sports they compete in. “There’s an audience out there for this,” said producer Matt Champlain, who has only 3% body fat. “People who eat healthy only want to see other healthy people on TV. Doing whatever.” When pressed on the ‘whatever,’ Champlain said, “Okay, our centerpiece show is ‘Lo Carb Cribs,’ which takes us on a tour of the homes of Lo Carb jocks, and then ‘Barbie Carb,’ which is an issue-based talk show, and then… a cooking show. We’ll rerun those three back-to-back-to-back til 8pm, then we’ll do something with chicks in bikinis. And at 10pm we sell the time to Billy Mays for some Orange Cleaner stuff.” This is the network template followed by Guthy Renker, which has not only made money but successfully hidden to this day what Guthy Renker actually is.