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GLEN FURG,
"MR. STATS," BEATEN UP!
Milwaukee, WI - Sportalicious! columnist Glenn
Furg, known affectionately as "Mr. Stats," was beaten
within an inch of his life by fans of Michigan State,
Cincinnati, Maryland and Florida
for getting their nicknames wrong in last
week's Staff Bracket Picks. He called them the Wolverines,
Bears, Tenpins and Marlins, respectively. "I actually understand
that whuppin'," said editor Chet Waterhouse. "Cripes,
get one of 'em right, you're workin' on a sports rag!" Furg
was rushed to Milwaukee's Almond Cheeseball Hospital where he's
listed in "biker bar" condition.
TUBSTER GOES ON A LOW-CARB DIET!
Las Vegas, NV - With his column on three-week
hiatus because of the Staff
March Madness Bracket Picks, Sportalicious's own Tubster has
decided to try and roll back the odometer on his 483 pounds! Tubster
has signed on for the Watkinsizzle Diet, a zero-carb, heavy-bacon
regimen that former martial artist Steven Seagal
used to help crash his movie career. Tubster has lost seven pounds
in the first three days, though some attribute that to a lack
of funds for food. Either way, mazeltov, big guy!
SHOT TRANSMISSION PUTS S-PEES IN LIMBO!
Las Vegas, NV - The Sportalicious! S-Pee Awards,
slated for this week at the Trailways Bus Maintenance Depot west
of the Strip in Las Vegas, have been put on hold due to a slipped
differential and worn transmission gears on one of Trailways most
heavily used buses, dubbed, "The Road Whore." The Whore,
used almost exclusively on the Salt Lake City-Butte-Kalispell-Pullman-Jackpot-Vegas
Loop, is indispensable, and the tranny must be repaired by midweek
or Trailways could lose over $700 dollars in revenue. If parts
arrive from Youngstown, Ohio, by Tuesday evening, the awards show
may be back on track for Friday evening.
EXPERT: HAPPINESS COULD BE TROUBLING
TIGER!
Spensivo, VT - The prestigious Pipsney College
psychology department issued a report Monday claiming Tiger
Woods' problems on the course are directly related to
his happiness off it! The 221-page report featured over 80 multi-colored
graphics, three pullout schematics and a cross-reference index
sophisticated even by Pipsney standards. All of this essentially
boiled down to the conclusion that Tiger's wife is too good looking
and screws his eyeballs out, plus he's way rich.
FORMER REGIONS SUE NCAA OVER CITY
NAMES!
Prefab, KS - East, West, Midwest and
Southeast have sued in civil court over the NCAA's
decision to change this year's bracket names to St. Louis, Phoenix,
Atlanta and East Rutherford. "People suck at geography,"
said region legal counsel Thom Fumb, "like, where the hell
is Phoenix? Ask a hundred people, eight'll get it right. People
don't know where to go to the games!" The only thing that's
known for sure, according to Fumb, is that "East Rutherford
is east of Rutherford, wherever the hell that is." Fumb is
suing on grounds of generality bias. Midwest announced it may
settle out-of-court with St. Louis.
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