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AL JAZEERA FOLDS
"NIGHTCENTER FOR SPORT THINGS!"
Springfield, Qatar - After only six months, Arab
"news" channel Al-Jazeera has thrown
in the towel in its attempt to compete against western television
outlets with its own nightly sports highlight show, called "NightCenter
For Sport Things." The show, launched last September 11th,
featured co-anchors Mohammed Jafir (the "Tom Arnold"
type) and Moammar Hussein ("Chris Berman
with hair on his hands"). The show promised "many laughs"
plus the "best desert soccer and camel racing highlights
in the world," but had continual trouble getting rights to
clips. Jafir has mysteriously disappeared in north Yemen and Hussein
has been moved to a home makeover show called, "Guerilla
Your Hut."
A-ROD, JETER FIGHT OVER EXFOLIANT!
Jewish Shores, FL - George Steinbrenner's
move to pair the best two shortstops in baseball on the same side
of the New York Yankees infield may be exploding
in front of his very eyes, or at least the eyes of the assistant
in charge of watching things for Steinbrenner. Newly-arrived shortstop-turned-third
sacker Alex Rodriguez and Yanks' shortstop Derek
Jeter were overheard in the Yankees' locker room engaged
in a heated exchange over a tube of Clinique
For Men Peach/Mango facial exfoliant. "It's mine," shouted
an angry Jeter, to which A-Rod responded, "No, it's mine!"
To which Jeter responded, "We don't even want you IN
this club!" to which Rodriguez responded, "you're just
jealous 'cause I'm prettier than you!" A series of slaps
were heard before all the showers went on full blast.
NANTZ WINS SPINE AWARD SEVENTH STRAIGHT
YEAR!
Boston, MA - The Harvard Medical
School's "Straight Spine Of The Year" award was won
once again by CBS Sports announcer
Jim Nantz. "Look at him," said Harvard
Spine Specialist Dr. Pakreet Manoori, "look at him and tell
me who sits up straighter. No one!" There had been some momentum
among Harvard's rank and file this year for Bob Goen
of TV's "Entertainment Tonight," but
after Sunday's many NCAA half-time shows, "was
there any real doubt?" said Manoori, "of course not."
Nantz wins his seventh straight "Bronze Spine," which
is not really a statue but an actual bronzed human spine from
a cadaver. He also wins another Herman Miller desk chair.
ANNA KOURNIKOVA ANGRY AT US!
Velvet Valley, FL - Insouciant, unblemished tennis
pin-up Anna Kournikova called Sportalicious!
headquarters Sunday piping mad -- and you know how mad pipes can
get! -- to lodge an official complaint with the website that a
picture of her hadn't been used in any capacity in quite some
time. "What am I supposed to get snippy at and complain about
and then have my entourage pamper me over if you don't run a photo
of me on a regular basis that you can drool over and I can get
in a snit over?" she purred. Site editor Chet
Waterhouse, despite leaving her message on the answering machine
and playing it over and over and over, said he would "under
no circumstance knuckle under to her pressure-filled barrage!"
FOXWORTHY TO EXPLAIN NASCAR POINT
SYSTEM!
Nasty Corners, TN - NASCAR today
announced a series of funny and informative TV commercials featuring
comedian Jeff Foxworthy that will help answer
thousands of questions about the new driver points system that
have been pouring in from befuddled stock car racing fans across
the country. "It ain't no tougher than figurin' out the alcohol
content in a beer," says Foxworthy on one commercial, adding,
"If you think that somehow the new NASCAR points system is
gonna get you a free pair of flannel gloves at Farm 'N
Fleet... then you might be a redneck."
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