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Held at Grammy's Pies 'N Such on the frontage
road near the Cheddar Falls regional airport, 4pm Monday.
CHET:
What the hell is this city crap? The brackets aren't confusing
enough? I don't believe it. Ah, hell -- better shut up and
get crackin'. I like Gonzaga comin' out
of the St. Louis regional. Because... well, I just like
sayin' "the ZAGS!" That kinda thing is important
to me. In fact... it's my whole life. My head's startin'
to hurt. Better move on, and fast! Atlanta? Mississippi
State. Even in the dead of winter the humidity's
like 150% down in Starkville, so I'm pretty sure they're
ready for anything. Phoenix? Stanford.
Big and tall. And I like that guy who has to run around
in a tree suit. That's cute. East Rutherford? Ah nuts, probably
Okey State, but I gotta go with my Badgers!
Could I get some of that apple crumble pie?
ANTHEM-SINGING BREASTS:
St. Louis regional, we love Kentucky. Blue
and white, simple, understated classic. Nice asses too.
Atlanta -- Princeton. Love the smell of
Van Heusen shirts fresh out of the pack. Can carry a conversation
too, that's sweet. Phoenix -- Vanderbilt.
The Commodores have southern charm and grace and can really,
really hold their liquor. We also know the coach from...
a thing we did... and we kind of root for him. East Rutherford
-- St. Joseph's. Catholic guys are so,
so screwed up. They're really fun to watch. I don't want
pie. OK, I will take a bite of Mr. Stats French Silk.
MOHAMMED SAEED AL SAHHAF:
I have the flame of hellfire from my throat that will torch
all in its path. Plus, I read USA Today.
St. Louis -- the Yellow Jackets of Georgia Tech
will smite the disloyal Kansraqis! May your wheatfields
burn to a powdery cinder you must roll in just to keep warm,
Kansraqis! Atlanta -- I like Arizona. Some
things are between me and the gods who rage inside. Phoenix
-- The simple fact is, the Dayton Flyers
will descend with beeks agape and maul all who stand in
their way into a mushy pablum they will regurgitate and
feed to their baby chicks. East Rutherford -- East Rutherford
is not even a town! This is an outrage! It is a parking
lot for the capitalist infidels who--- sorry. Texas
Tech. Robert Knight is the one
true American who understands the inner turmoil of an Iraqi
sheik like myself. I bid good day. I will have a piece of
banana cream first, however.
ALEJANDRO:
No lightning this week. I'm screwed. Why can't lightning
hit during a snowstorm? This sucks. The one year I was traveling
and lightning hit, I went like 51-12. I need the lightning.
I'm like a super hero with powers that only come with the
lightning.
(He stands outside for twenty minutes. There is no lightning.)
F*%K this. St. Louis -- Boston College.
Atlanta -- Xavier. Phoenix -- Alabama.
East Rutherford -- South Carolina. God,
I wish I was still a logger.
ALAN CASTAGNA:
Okay, pinheads, I have to make this quick, that retard prop
plane you flew me in on heads back to Chicago as soon as
Pappy or whoever the hell's drivin' the thing gets done
with his maple waffle pie over in booth eight. St. Louis
-- Kentucky. Atlanta -- Duke.
Phoenix -- Stanford. East Rutherford --
Oklahoma State. Anything else is syphilitic
insanity. Although I do agree with Sahhad, East Rutherford
is not a town. It's a freaking toxic dump with a grade school.
Chet, did you belch? Damn, gimme my Oreo Pie to go.
MR. STATS:
Well, I must admit, this is quite the thrill for a mathematician!
Sixty-five teams! Wow, the odds of picking the correct four
are several hundred thousand to one. I'll calculate that
out later if you'll hand me a napkin and the drafting pen
from my backpack. Anyway -- off to the races! St. Louis
-- I like the Michigan State Wolverines.
Atlanta -- I believe I will throw my fortune into the ring
with the Cincinnati Bears. In Phoenix --
the only team for me is those pesky Maryland Tenpins.
And in East Rutherford, the odds will be with none other
than the Florida Marlins. Wow! I feel decisive,
regardless of what Alan says. Peanut butter banana pie,
and step on it! I must add however, that statistically speaking,
East Rutherford has the population and zoning requirements
to qualify as a town.
OUTDOOR DICK:
(he's eating.) Sorry guys, gotta refuel. I went possum huntin'
with a slingshot today, which will test your eyesight and
your mettle. (eats more.) Okedoke, friends. St. Louis --
Nevada will pull the upset. No better lizard
hunting in the world than outside Jackpot. Atlanta -- North
Carolina has a good draw. Plus, whew, talk about
possum, those folks down there can prepare it, you'd swear
it was Porterhouse steak with a pepper kicker. Phoenix --
Texas El-Paso is primed to make a run,
just like those dagnab jackalopes, though if you bag one,
a slow simmer over a campfire makes the burrs in your shorts
worthwhile. East Rutherford -- Pittsburgh.
Beaver country. Mmm, mmm, mmm. (keeps eating, slaps Castagna's
hand away from what remains of his pear walnut crispy pie.)
TUBSTER:
This is why I'm the pro here. This is what makes the 37-hour
bus trip from Vegas worth it for me. I am going to clean
up like a night watchman. Or, whatever. St. Louis -- Valparaiso.
Big odds, fun club, lotta praying. Atlanta -- East
Tennessee State. Anyone can take Duke.
Where's the PROFIT in that, you rookies?
Phoenix -- No one else to pick BUT Western
Michigan! I'll lay a side chip down they take it
all. Speakin' of, do you have another whole chocolate chip
pie? I didn't eat the whole way here except for the loose
Cheetos I found in the overhead bin. No kiddin' -- I think
I dropped a few pounds. East Rutherford -- Eastern
Washington. Love pickin' longshots with the directions
to the school right in their name.
See ya when ya pay me!!
(At this point Castagna bolts after his prop plane pilot
and Grammy must take a deer pelt from Outdoor Dick as partial
payment for the pies because no one else has cash.)
NEXT WEEK:
who's out, who's outter.
| |
Chet |
Breasts |
Sahhaf |
Alejandro |
Castagna |
Mr.
Stats |
Dick |
Tubster |
| St.
Louis |
Gonzaga |
Kentucky |
Georgia Tech |
Boston College |
Kentucky |
Mich. State |
Nevada |
Valpo |
| Atlanta |
Miss. St. |
Vanderbilt |
Arizona |
Xavier |
Duke |
Cincinnati |
UNC |
E. Tenn. St. |
| Phoenix |
Stanford |
Princeton |
Dayton |
Alabama |
Stanford |
Maryland |
UTEP |
W. Mich. |
| East
Ruth. |
Wisconsin |
St. Joseph's |
Texas Tech |
S. Carolina |
Ok. State |
Florida |
Pitt |
E. Wash. |
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