JOHN DALY AIMS AT IRAQ, LOSES TOURNEY!
G'Bye, Dubai - John Daly lost whatever shot he had at winning the Dubai Classic this past weekend when he “attempted to hit the bejeezus” out of his tee shot on the 17th, which, though in the country of Dubai, faces northwest with a clear shot to Iraq. He dropped three in the water before lacing one that bounced off a shoreline rock and rolled within inches of the Iraqi border, a good 200 miles away. “With my new Bubbleshaft and the wind behind me I can smack it a mile,” said Daly. “The Defense Department gave me some special balls, and whoooee, they sail nice. Hell, they seem to straighten out halfway to the target! The colonel with the mask on told me, ‘Just get ‘em on Saddam’s putting green and we’ll do the rest.” Daly finished last but will receive a Gold Star from Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

YANKEES SCOUT PALESTINIAN KIDS!
Bronx, NY - “We’re not resting on our laurels,” said New York Yankees director of special projects Eddie Skowron Jr. as he announced plans for himself and three scouts to fly to the Middle East and run a tryout camp for Palestinian kids looking to pitch in the major leagues. Skowron said, “Not only is it a gesture of peace, but let’s be honest, some of these kids can really throw the rock.” Palestinians were initially uncooperative until supermodel Tyra Banks strapped on chest gear and caught them in the tryout. “Look, I had a kid named Achmed throw an 89-mile-an-hour slurve with a piece of gravel, imagine what he could do with a ball,” said Banks, who added, “You want peace in the Middle East? Have a million New York Jews rooting for Achmed against the Red Sox.”

FAN MISSES HALF-TIME SHOT, SUES PEDIATRICIAN!
Miami, FL - A 22-year-old Sunball, Florida man who missed a pre-game half-court shot at a Miami Heat game has sued his pediatrician for “pullin’ me outta my moms all funky and s*&% at birth.” Glentanyan Broussard could have won $100,000 dollars and a year’s supply of Sweetco’s Penicillin Nutbars, but his shot sailed wide right and badly short, hitting a taquitos vendor in the temple and dropping him to one knee for several minutes. “I know my baby can play this game,” said Tracynda Marshont, Glentanyan’s aunt who raised him. “But that doctor pulled him out of his moms by his elbow, all funky and s*%$, and I know as a woman that ain’t right and can mess up your follow-through.” The pediatrician of record at Miami-St. Portola hospital, now 82-year-old Doctor Roger Corbis, said only, “What?!” and “Huh?!” before taking a hose to reporters outside his ElRay Cove bungalow. Broussard is seeking only $48,000 dollars damages and seemed troubled when asked why.

VENDOR GETS NAILED, SUES CONTESTANT!
Miami, FL - Hiltonito Cruz, a 41-year-old taquito vendor at Miami Heat games, has filed suit against Glentanyan Broussard of Sunball, Florida for “bodily harm and mental duress” after Broussard’s pre-game half-court shot sailed wide right and badly short, hitting Cruz in the temple and dropping him to one knee for several minutes. Cruz seemed to recover but sold only 17 taquitos after the incident, far short of his 143-taquito average. Cruz, who speaks no English, was swarmed by 70 Spanish-speaking lawyers in attendance at the Heat game and is now seeking damages of $14,000,000 dollars. Broussard was available for comment but seemed unable to speak.