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SPRING
TRAINING ATTENDANCE DOWN; DEATH BLAMED!
Cataract Glade, FL - A rise in the death rate
among bickering old geezer buddies is blamed for a decrease in
spring training attendance this year. "After a mid-winter
flu epidemic, our codger count is way down," said Humid County
health commissioner Zeddy Mae Gilchrist, adding, "Many of
the ones that are still alive prefer watching Match Game
re-runs on the Game Show Network over baseball.
You know, Brett Sommers never got her due."
Free Hover-round parking is expected to help increase attendance.
OWENS DEMANDS SANTA FE GET TEAM SO
HE CAN BE TRADED THERE!
San Francisco, CA - In a move owners called "frightening
but do-able," San Francisco 49ers stud receiver
Terrell Owens has demanded his trade to the Baltimore
Ravens be called off in favor of a trade to the Sante
Fe Balloon Riders, a franchise that has not been awarded yet.
According to Owens' contract, as the 49ers' protected franchise
super-nitro player-in-a-gold-bag, he can make this a contingency
of his trade. NFL execs were currently interviewing
a hastily-assembled consortium of art gallery owners, retired
screenwriters and peyote dealers in Santa Fe to see if they could
buy an expansion team.
BEN STILLER TO DRIVE IN NASCAR RACE!
Pamplanoto, FL - Following in the footsteps of
Paul Newman, Tom Cruise, and
Jonathan Lipnicki, "Starsky & Hutch"
star Ben Stiller announced he would drive a modified
"S&H" Dodge Charger in the upcoming NASCAR
Bang & Olufson Insanely Expensive Stereos 250 in nearby Jacksonville
next weekend. Stiller has some lineage -- his parents, the comedy
team of Jerry Stiller and Ann Meara
-- met while racing midgets on the Jewish Circuit of Long Island
dirt ovals before entering comedy. Owen Wilson
will not co-pilot with Stiller as he has a previous commitment
to get laid.
BOSOX LOSE TO YANKS, CONCEDE AL EAST!
Flegm Glade, FL - The Boston Red Sox
dropped a spring training game to the New York Yankees
11-5 Sunday and conceded the American League Eastern Division
Title to the defending champs. "It was a tough,
grueling battle, toe to toe between two heavyweights," said
Bosox leader Nomar Garciaparra, "but we
just couldn't quite win the division. If the race could've just
gone a little longer, say, past this first game, I think we would've
been in it." Pitcher Pedro Martinez added,
"We'll be back next year," then tossed Don Zimmer's
replacement to the ground by the head.
STANFORD BLAMES LOSS ON "TOO
MUCH BOOK LARNIN'!"
Palo Mezzo Soprano, CA - After 26 straight wins,
the Stanford Cardinal lost their first game of
the season Saturday, 75-62 to the Washington Huskies
at the Starbuck's Frazier Crane Fieldhouse in
Seattle. After shedding tears in a closed locker room over complimentary
carmel Macchiatos, head coach Mike Montgomery
blamed the loss on too much brainpower. "These kids think
everything through," said a frustrated Montgomery "Hell,
they're all 3.75 GPAs. But sometimes you gotta stop thinkin' and
just slam it through the rim like you're tryin' to get laid."
The Cardinal are named after the garnet-colored birds of the same
name, but only one of them.
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