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JOHNNY CARSON MAY RIGHT JOKES FROM BEYOND!
Cheddar Falls, WI - A vaporous spirit from The
Celestial Bypass held a press conference Tuesday to announce that
the late Johnny Carson may contribute jokes to
Sportalicious! from the beyond. Carson is still sharp as a tack
and quite frankly, according to the spirit, "thinks the site
could use some solid zingers." Carson has asked only that
he be paid the going rate of $10 a joke plus a half-day lift ticket
to Mount Landfill, Cheddar Falls' only downhill ski resort. As
a show of good faith, Carson contributed two items to this issue's
"Tubster" column.
'GRAND THEFT AUTO' TOP VG IN PRISON!
Salt Finger, Utah - A study at Utah's God Of
The West University verifies that - after staring at the sun in
order to burn out your corneal retina - playing the video game
"Grand Theft Auto" is the most popular
activity in prison. The game allows inmate-players to shoot cops
and steal cars at will, something they were clearly unable to
do at all out in the real world. Oddly enough, "working the
lathe" was a close third, though prison officials are not
sure inmates meant actually working a lathe or if they were referring
to a euphemism for a sexual act.
NEUHEISEL TO GET $4MIL IN SETTLEMENT,
GONNA "LET IT RIDE!"
Kent, WA - Former University of Washington
football coach Rick Neuheisel, forced to resign
two years ago over having participated in NCAA
basketball pools that were later proven to be acceptable, has
been awarded nearly $4.5 million dollars this week in damages.
Neuheisel said he feels completely vindicated and will let the
entire $4.5 mil ride on Gonzaga in the first
round of the NCAAs next week.
OSCAR SNUB TOO MUCH: HORSE THAT PLAYED
'SEABISCUIT' DIES!
Lexington, KY - I Two Step Too, one of the horses
that played Seabiscuit in the movie "Seabiscuit,"
died of a broken heart, according to trainers who said the horse
never recovered from being snubbed at last year's Oscars. "He
understood Bill Murray's nomination for 'Lost
In Translation,'" said stableman Manny Vera, "but come
on, Jude Law in 'Cold Mountain'? How does that
spot not go to Two Step?" Indeed, Two Step was in real life
a gregarious colt with an appetite for cigars and a good cognac
- but when playing Seabiscuit, brought everything down into perhaps
the "most subdued and focused performance of that year,"
said Tad Sturgis of IHaventSeenItYet.com. Said Vera, Two Step's
last words were, "Tell Paul Giamatti to
fight the good fight!"
'SPORTSCENTURY' RUNS OUT OF
SEPIA TONE!
Bristol, CT - Officials at ESPN
world headquarters have gone to Defcon-Five alert after having
run out of sepia tone for their acclaimed "Sportscentury"
series on ESPN Classic. "Without it most
of those stories would seem kinda cheesy," said Blinda Punn-Flude,
an assistant publicist. "I mean, Walt 'No Neck' Williams?
Flat story - til you lay the golden brown haze on it. Then suddenly
you're cryin' like a baby." In fact, according to Punn-Flude,
only eight "Sportscenturies" could run in regular technicolor
and not be "booed off the stage like Ashlee Simpson
wearing a 'Ken DeLay for President' T-Shirt."
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