SWISS RETURN AMERICA’S CUP, REMAIN NEUTRAL!
Bern, Switzerland - Switzerland protected its hard-won status as one of the world’s only neutral countries by returning the America’s Cup, won by a Swiss yacht this weekend off the coast of New Zealand. “We cannot be perceived as a victor or we will lose the respect of the world,” said Hans Shmeckl, Switzerland’s Minister Of Nazi Art. “Plus, people might pull money out of our banks at a horribly swift rate, and while our chocolate sales are good, well, we can’t take the chance on a bank run. Please, please just go away and let us be. Take the trophy. Yodel-ay-hee-hoo.” The America’s Cup now may go to the Cuban yacht, El Humidor.

ST. ANTHONY REFUSES LOSER’S CALL!
Rome, Italy - Saint Anthony, the patron saint of finding lost things, held a press conference Sunday in an attempt to clarify once and for all his spiritual jurisdiction. “Goddam it, let’s get this straight,” said Anthony, “I’m the patron saint of losing THINGS, not of LOSING. Don’t pray to me when you lose some stupid basketball game because you didn’t get back on defense and let some idiot white kid from Creighton dunk on you and crush your tournament chances. That’s your own fault. I can’t help you. You want the Lost Causes saint, I think that’s Saint Benedict, maybe…I don’t know, check the personnel directory on the automated phone system. Pray to me when you lose SOMETHING, a possession – like your car keys.” Anthony then added, “They’re in the freezer, incidentally. How should I know how they got there? That’s not what I do. Just get ‘em and go drive to wherever it is you drive to.”

TIGER WOODS SKIPS DUBAI!
Windermere, FL - Tiger Woods opted out of a tournament this weekend in the Sultanate of Dubai, citing concerns about “getting my ass blown off in the middle of a war zone over a stupid golf match, are you INSANE?!” Dubai is a solid 3-wood from any possible action in a conflict with Iraq, but as Woods added, “The Dubai caddies never smile, you get my drift?!” Woods insists it has nothing to do with the fact that the weakest part of his game is his sand shots, or that he doesn’t like “rowdy” crowds. “Phoenix is a rowdy crowd. This is a WAR, you moron, like with bombs and stuff?! God, where do they find you guys?”

SORENSTAM ADDS GIMME PUTTS TO DEMANDS!
Hacker's Bay, FL - Annika Sorenstam, the women’s golfer who has entered the men’s PGA tour event at the Colonial, has asked for four “gimme” putts, one per round, in addition to her pending demands of two mulligans, three shoe wedges, a foot warmer, and a year’s supply of “those cool half-socks with the little golf ball puff hanging off the back.” She presented the PGA rules committee with charts and graphs from the Scandinavian Eyesight Seminar that showed Swedish women have an inherent “short eyeball,” a rack-focus problem that actually makes shorter putts look longer than longer putts. The rules committee called the information “conclusive” and said it would take the gimme proposal under advisement. PGA star David Duval demanded an extension so he could file a counter-claim, but The Colonial’s Bud “Buddy” Walsh, near wit’s end with the controversy, said, “Anything inside three f*$&ing feet’s fine with me! G**dam, we ain’t got Tiger, so s**t, we’ll do whatever the hell we have to to make sure that little lady’s at the G**dam first tee come Thursday or we’ll be F*&%*!% our own pockets to pay these crybaby s*#*bags like Duval!” (See related story)

TITLE IX MAY BE RENAMED “CHICKS’ LAW!”
Los Angeles, CA - A Los Angeles public relations firm hired by women’s athletic groups to stop erosion and reshape debate on the federal government’s Title IX legislation announced at a press conference Monday their plan to officially change the name of the statute to “The Chicks’ Law.” Brianna Holdsworth of LA’s Urge Image said, “this whole issue needs to be shampooed and then layer-cut by a pro to give it a fresh, sassy look.” Holdsworth added, “’Title IX’ is flatlining me. But ‘Chicks’ Law,’ that spells ‘sexy,’ and gets an important demographic into the debate – young males 18-to-35 years old. ” Helen Trudge of the Women’s Coaches Association then stepped to the microphone and said to Holdsworth, “You’re fired.”