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NADER USES
WRONG SHOES IN RUN FOR PREZ!
Washington, DC - In a crucial strategic error,
normally heady consumer gadfly Ralph Nader has
chosen the wrong shoes in which to run for President! Nader has
gone with a Nike Lollygagger, which has earth-friendly treads
but slips on any granite or marble floors! John Kerry
attributes a huge part of his lead to his choice of Adidas
Plodtronics, which are a horrible dull grey but give traction
on any surface. Howard Dean's shoe, the Reebok
Weirdo, has been pulled off the market.
AA MEMBERS JOIN PGA IN DROVES!
Fairway Way, AZ - PGA membership
captain Liddy Nogg told the golfing press Monday that due to John
Daly's remarkable comeback this year, members of Alcoholics
Anonymous are flocking to the sport in record numbers!
"It's such a great outdoor activity," said Ms. Nogg,
"and when anyone from AA joins up, it's fantastic, at least
for the first few minutes." Nogg then added, "But then
I have to tell them that in order to win a million dollars, they
actually have to win a tournament. I'm not sure how that part
of it got screwed up -- that they can't just be in AA to be eligible
but they actually have to win a tourney -- but most of 'em stay
joined up anyway!" There is a movement afoot inside AA to
amend the traditional meeting greeting to, "I'm Bob, I'm
an alcoholic, and I have a 10:33 tee time, so let's move it."
MAN OFF STREET NEW ISLANDERS COACH!
Islip-On-The-Canal, NY - Tom Peptril, a 41-year-old
drywall subcontractor from Rockaway, Long Island, was snatched
off the street by the brass of the NHL's New York Islanders and
installed as coach! "He had an Islanders jacket on, and that
was good enough," said an Islander exec who asked to remain
nameless but has an odd furrow in his forehead and a noticeable
limp. He added, "We're playing so crappy we had to shake
things up!" Peptril's wife refused to file kidnapping charges
and has left to visit "a friend" in Key West, FL. The
Islanders are 2-0 under Peptril, who is now in third place in
the Coach Of The Year balloting.
S-PEES LOSES RED CARPET!
Las Vegas, NV -- Yet another blow for the beleaguered
Sportalicious! S-Pee awards -- The Riviera Casino has reneged
on its offer to allow Sportalicious! to use the old red carpet
from its "Fant-asss-tic" Parisienne Hooker Review. "That
Sportalicious! thing is too low class," said Tomasso "Pepi"
Pepitroni, the 79-year-old Carpet Manager at the Riviera. So now
the S-Pees -- slated for March 26th at the Trailways Bus Maintenance
Depot west of the Strip and to be televised by Telemundo later
the next morning, will not have a red carpet. "We can string
together some Trailways floormats," said an undaunted Chet
Waterhouse.
WOODS RUNS OUT OF ROOM FOR MONEY!
LaCosta, CA - Tiger Woods beat Davis Love III
to win the Accenture Match Play Championship Sunday and take home
a million dollars -- but wait -- he couldn't go home with it!!
NO ROOM!! Woods' investment banks have been begging
for some time to allow his new hot blonde Swedish wife to shop
more and clear out some room in their safes, but no such luck.
"He makes money too fast," said Dildaine Pemberton of
the Florida Golfers Bank. "It's really, really, a pain in
the ass. Let Duffy Waldorf win one, give us a chance to get into
some Pacific Rim investments, for God's sake!" The million
dollars is sitting in a duffel bag at the concierge level of Trillionaire
Airport in Hidden Location, Florida.
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