"You can't touch me, Jews!"

East Westwood, CA - Only hours after being taken to a midnight screening of Mel Gibson's "The Passion of The Christ," the Notre Dame Fighting Irish men's basketball team went on a passion-quest of their own and steamrolled a shocked UCLA Bruins team, 75-60. "They kept lookin' at us like we killed Christ ourselves or somethin'," said weary Bruin senior Alton Janks. Irish standout Toby Shilayley lead all scorers with 21 points and said afterwards, "Coach Brey didn't come right out and say the UCLA guys might be Jewish, but we can read between the lines." Irish coach Mike Brey insisted the movie was a tactic he'd used before with only mixed results. "I like movies, the guys like movies," he said, "it gives us the illlusion of bonding without really having to actually talk and listen to each other. Couple weeks ago we tried '50 First Dates,' didn't seem to do much, Pitt beat us. So I thought, 'Hell, let's see a barnburner.'" Brey said it was between Gibson's Christ epic and "Win A Date With Tad Hamilton." Brey said team chaplain Father Mickey O'Brineycork "told me he'd heard good things about the Gibson flick from some of his team chaplain buddies who'd been transferred to remote monasteries after cloudy incidents with male youngsters." The Irish have already penciled in a showing of "The Last Temptation Of Christ" prior to their first Big East tournament game.