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WEATHER SLOWS SPRING TRAINING 'ROID DELIVERY!
Alfalfa, FL - Severe weather on the East Coast
has slowed delivery of much needed steroids to the Grapefruit
League, and it's beginning to take it's toll on teams' schedules.
The Yankees and Tigers have
already delayed full team drills by two days, and the Baltimore
Orioles may scrap spring training altogether and just
go straight to the season. Snow in the north, thunderstorms in
the Gulf, and severe legal action on the West Coast seem to be
the chief culprits.
BUCK SAYS SWANK'S DRESS 'DISGUSTING'!
Los Angeles, CA - While calling the Oscar
telecast for Fox Radio, sportscaster Joe
Buck took one look at Best Actress winner Hilary
Swank's backless dress and uttered in a loud, clarion-like
voice, "That is a disgusting dress! And I'm sorry you folks
had to hear about it on Fox Radio! I apologize
to anyone listening to this Oscar telecast on radio for having
to hear me describe that plunging act of disgust and also for
having to be in a position to listen to the Oscars on radio! May
God have mercy on our souls!"
BLOODIED 'DEBATE 'N SKATE' ON HIATUS!
New York, NY - The short-lived CNBC
pol chat show, "Debate 'N Skate," has run into what
a network spokesman referred to as "legal and bleeding issues."
The hybrid concept - which featured political pundits from both
sides of the fence skating directly at each other on the Rockefeller
Plaza skating rink while verbalizing their political points -
was truncated Sunday night after Ralph Reed took
a skate to the chest from the normally milde-mannered Morton Kondracke.
Reed was rushed to the Saturday Night Live Medical Center where
he was listed in "stable and certainly no worse than Elliot
Gould" condition. The show is off the air indefinitely
and will be replaced by the new "Pete Sampras
Now!"
CHINESE CHECKERS ACTUAL BIRTHPLACE:
BARSTOW!
Spankbottom, England - Professors at world-famous
Spankbottom College ended a nine-year investigation Sunday and
concluded that Chinese Checkers was not invented by the Chinese
at all but actually dreamed up in Barstow, California in 1957
by a pair of stranded truckers. According to the investigation,
the truckers - Randy Don Fedge and Morlee Cackleson - sideswiped
each other in inclement weather and pulled over to examine damage
and try to avoid legal involvement, as they were both top-notch
drunk. Fedge was carrying a load of giant institutional-sized
cheese graters and Cackleson had on board over a million cat-eye
marbles. After consuming a fair amount of vodka, Chinese Checkers
was invented. Fedge passed away in 1991 and the 87-year-old Cackleson
is still suing China for royalties.
HOT DOG CONTEST: ASIAN WINS, FOOD BANK
LOSES!
Lower Bump, CA - A hot-dog eating contest at
the Lower Bump Street Days was quickly disbanded after officials
said runaway winner Tu Mai Chin consumed over three hundred hot
dogs earmarked for Silicon Valley food banks. "A lot of out-of-work
video game programmers were counting on that food to take them
into next week," said organizer Free Skye. Tu Mai beat his
finals rival, Big Ed Slipeski, 731 dogs to 113 dogs, in the process
forcing Skye to open box after box of innocent hot dogs. Tu Mai
said only, "Loser eat those dogs, not me!" A local licorice
maker said it would fill the nutrition void until more hot dogs
could be flown in from Oregon and Utah.
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