DUTCH BOY SAYS YES TO NATIONAL PAINTBALL LEAGUE!
Cleveland, OH - Paint giant Dutch Boy announced Monday it would pony up $17 million dollars and essentially fund an immediate launch of the National Paintball League, with franchises in eight cities and a season consisting of fourteen matches followed by a four-team playoff. “This is crankin’, ‘cause paintball is a RUSH, man!” said Skeeter Roscoe, league commissioner and former systems analyst for Cisco who quit his job to play paintball full time. The franchises are the Seattle Mauves, the Denver Burnt Sienas, the Montana Charcoals, the Santa Barbara Teals, the Santa Fe Cyans, the Las Vegas Bronze, the Fresno Tangelos and the Lake Tahoe Taupes. The games will be televised on the internet at Paintballisarushman.com. Sportalicious! is in negotiations to have its own Chet Waterhouse do simulcasts of the NPL.

DUVAL STATES CASE, SORENSTAM MAY LOSE MULLIES!
Jacksonville, FL - Men’s pro golfer David Duval presented counter-evidence to the PGA yesterday that convinced the rules committee not to allow Annika Sorenstam two mulligans and three shoe wedges at the Colonial, the men’s event she has entered later this year. Duval had charts and graphs from the Arizona State University-Scottsdale TPC campus that illustrated physiological differences between men and women that actually favor the women. The committee was once again impressed, calling it “startling information.” “We never realized how much the male – thingie – can impede the natural flow of the golf swing,” said a PGA official under condition of anonymity. But Bud “Buddy” Walsh of the Colonial tournament was less impressed. “We need her there, quite frankly, ‘cause pansies like Duval can’t put more than two asses in the seats, and them’s his parents. Why don’t that lily-boy go to the drivin’ range and work out that hinky swing a his and let us give the little lady a couple a freebies and a tootsie warmer, if that’s what she wants?!”

TIGER TO FACE GIANT MINATURE GOLF HAZARDS!
Palm Beach Gardens, FL - In an effort to level the playing field the PGA has announced that at specified tournaments, giant versions of miniature golf course hazards will be built and wheeled onto the course only when Tiger Woods is shooting. “We’ve already got a 12-story ballerina set to go for the Masters,” said the PGA’s new Hazard Construction Coordinator Army Staff Sargeant Tom Zinzinski, “and we’re working on special pillow-soft tires for a horrific 14-foot clown face that could be wheeled around like an artillery unit to several greens, depending on how far Tiger is ahead.” At the Masters the Georgia Army Air National Guard will assist Zinzinski in, as he put it, “the placement and displacement of the Enemy Confusion Units.”

AL DAVIS DIVORCES HAIR!
San Jose, CA - Oakland Raiders guru Al Davis has reportedly filed for divorce from his hair, citing “irreconcilable differences.” In court papers Davis cited numerous and repeated incidents in which he wanted the hair to go with him and the hair, on its own, would go against him. While rumor of the hair having an affair with another scalp remain unsubstantiated, the hair did on two separate occasions actually leave Davis’s head overnight without so much as a note to Davis on its whereabouts. These dalliances were particularly tough on Davis, a control freak used to being in power. “He’s really ripped up over this,” said Davis’s Knitway's Expandabelt Funnelpants buyer. “And don’t think for a second that hair doesn’t know what it’s doing. It’s lucky it’s not on Robert Blake’s head.” A lawyer for the hair said it would seek $600,000 annually in living expenses and custody of the eyeglasses.

SPORTALICIOUS.COM’S ‘MR. STATS’ BEAT UP AT BAR!
On the heels of last week’s unintentionally controversial feature column, Sportalicious! columnist Glen Furg, known as ‘Mr Stats,’ was accosted outside a bar and pummeled within an inch of his life, reportedly by University of Akron students upset he referred to their team as “the Hokies”. A drunk witness said, “The kids just kept slamming him in the face and screaming at him, ‘Akron ZIPS, say it!” He tried to say it but his mouth was pretty busted up already.” Mr. Stats is in fair condition at Ohio General and is expected to make a full recovery. “I’ve been beat up lots of times,” he said before his Valium kicked in, “According to the law of averages I guess I’ll never get beat up again!”