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NETS COACH
YET TO OPEN EYES!
Propelyne, NJ - New Jersey Nets
coach Lawrence Frank, who took over thirteen
games ago and as of Monday was 13-0, has not opened his eyes since
the winning streak began! "I closed 'em at the beginning
of that first game and we scored," said Frank, "So I
thought, 'don't break the good luck.'" Frank has suffered
some forehead gashes and a sprained right hip falling down a flight
of stairs but claims the pain is "worth it." When asked
how he can draw up plays or diagram defenses, Frank said, "I
don't do any of that crap anyway. These guys wouldn't follow a
defensive diagram if the Pope drew it up. I'm just a lucky charm
with my eyes closed." He said he peeked once during "Sex
In The City's" finale due to an involuntary twitch.
Mikey Skenskic of the Good Luck Institute said the peek was "iffy"
and the luck should hold.
CABS, LIMOS IGNORE JAYSON WILLIAMS!
New York, NY - Former New Jersey Nets
star Jayson Williams, on trial for shooting his
chauffeur, has not been able to garner one single ride from any
cab or limo in New York City since the incident and has had to
walk to and from his lawyers' offices! "I can't be doin'
all that walkin', I'm an ATHLETE," shouted
Williams, who then broke down and cried all night at his poor,
poor plight. Cab drivers and limo drivers agreed that their unofficial
boycott could come across as racist - Williams is black - but
insisted the reason they didn't pick him up is that they don't
want to get accidentally shot as well.
CAT IN DOG COSTUME STRIPPED OF WESTMINSTER
TROPHY!
Flurfle, VT - Mighty Lavender of the Cliffs,
the 3-year-old Pekingese who won his breed at the Westminster
Kennel Club Show this year, had his title revoked when
WKC surveillance footage revealed that indeed, Mighty Lavender
was actually a mutt housecat named Mick wearing a Pekingese suit.
Nine-year-old Mick has had trouble his whole life doing cat things
like leaping and batting yarn, according to owner Rod Caggerston
Jr., and it finally dawned on him that Mick was more like a dog.
The Pekingese costume started as a Halloween prank, but when Mick
got twice as much candy as any kids in Flurfle and also was cute
enough to get Caggerston laid, the shutter installer and his kitty
hatched the plot to win Westminster.
A-ROD: NY COST OF LIVING "A BITCH!"
New York, NY - The newest member of the New
York Yankees, superstar Alex Rodriguez,
has placed his fortune in a blind trust after going through $2.3
million dollars just eating, parking and tipping his first ten
days in the Big Apple. "Man, I don't know if they're taking
advantage of me or I'm just eating that much," said A-Rod,
shaking his head, "but it seems kinda high, even by New York
standards." Indeed, a study commissioned by the New
York Racing Form bears him out - most New Yorkers go
through only $1.6 million dollars in any given ten-day period
eating, parking and tipping. Rodriquez's lawyer said he would
sue first and then find out who and how much later.
SPORTALICIOUS! 'ELIGIBLE'
FOR WEBBY AWARD!
Cheddar Falls, WI - The Sportalicious! website
discovered this week that it is eligible for a prestigious Webby
Award, emblematic of excellence in web design and content.
For a mere $150 entry fee, Sportalicious! was accepted into the
competition as 'eligible.' "This is a tremendous honor,"
said managing editor Chet Waterhouse,
"just to be considered an actual 'website' by anybody and
put in the same category as tens of thousands of other websites
is a thrill!" The First Bank of Cheddar Falls has reluctantly
fronted Sportalicious! the money for the entry fee.
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