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(held at Ed & Sandy Pilchek's Cheddar
Falls Motor Hotel lobby, Sunday Feb. 22)
Best Actor
Johnny Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean, the Curse of the
Black Pearl
Ben Kingsley - House of Sand and Fog
Jude Law - Cold Mountain
Bill Murray - Lost In Translation
Sean Penn - Mystic River
ANTHEM SINGING BREASTS: Johnny Depp is married, right?
ALEJANDRO: Sean Penn.
BREASTS: He's married to Sean Penn?
MR. STATS: No, that's his winner. Now, is that "house"
built of sand and fog?
OUTDOOR DICK: Fog often occurs in sandy, low-lying water
areas.
TUBSTER: Retroactive to 'Caddyshack,' I say Bill Murray.
BREASTS: Jude Law.
CHET: So much for that whole thing about women likin' a
sense of humor.
ALAN CASTAGNA: If your wallet's fat they'll laugh at any
stupid thing you say.
BREASTS: You are bitter.
MOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHHAF: Bitterness is the searing fuel
of ruthless accomplishment propelling one down the road
of commanding righteousness.
TUBSTER: Do they have a snack machine here?
ALEJANDRO: Sean Penn.
CHET: We heard you the first time.
Supporting Actor
Alec Baldwin - The Cooler
Benicio Del Toro - 21 Grams
Djimon Hounsou - In America
Tim Robbins - Mystic Riveer
Ken Watanabe - The Last Samurai
CASTAGNA: Is anybody American even IN movies anymore?
CHET: I hear Alec Baldwin was funny.
BREASTS: Benicio Del Toro.
CASTAGNA: Yeah, he's hilarious.
BREASTS: He's so soulful.
CASTAGNA: Christ, I'm gonna vomit.
AL SAHHAF: A man's soul will wither from the poisonous touch
of a woman's sensual evil.
I will vomit with you.
MR. STATS: Is Alec the fat Baldwin?
CASTAGNA: No, it's the black Baldwin.
CHET: Didn't they used to have free coffee in here?
TUBSTER: I have a Pearson's nut roll.
DICK: Keep it. We can't have you fainting.
Best Actress
Keisha Castle-Hughes - Whale Rider
Diane Keaton - Something's Gotta Give
Samantha Morton - In America
Charlize Theron - Monster
Naomi Watts - 21 Grams
CASTAGNA: Can NOT vote for Theron. Man, she let herself
go.
BREASTS: That was her character.
CASTAGNA: Yeah, right. Sure it was.
BREASTS: Idiot.
DICK: She looked like she got in a fight with some Bolivian
Red Ants.
CHET: (shouts behind counter) Hey ED! SANDY! You got any
donuts left?
SANDY: (from the back) Holeymoley, ya. Hang on, honey!
TUBSTER: I'll split one with you.
CHET: What happened to your nut roll?
ALEJANDRO: He was lying. He knows people don't like nut
rolls.
(pause)
TUBSTER: Alright, I was lying.
AL SAHHAF: The conduit of God's lightning speaks the truth.
You have the power to disembowel the enemy with mere thoughts.
(pause)
ALEJANDRO: Alright, I guessed.
Supporting Actress
Shohreh Aghdashloo -House Of Sand And Fog
Patricia Clarkson - Pieces Of April
Marcia Gay Harden - Mystic River
Holly Hunter - Thirteen
Renee Zellweger - Cold Mountain
MR. STATS: When did Marcia Harden go gay?
CASTAGNA: You're a retard.
AL SAHHAF: Shohreh Aghdashloo? Overflowing buckets of good
fortune to the poor vapid-sculled actor who must utter that
name in the eventuality of victory. Could I humbly suggest
to Ms. Aghdashloo the nickname, "Daisy?"
BREASTS: I'm not that interested in this category.
CASTAGNA: Really? Shocker. You mean you don't 'feel' it?
BREASTS: Get your hand off my ass or I will hopkido you
into the plaster chipmunk.
CHET: That Holly Hunter gal - she's easy on the eyes!
DICK: Aghdashloo was the name of my first coon hound.
(pause)
DICK: Alright, I lied.
Best Picture
The Lord of The Rings: The Return Of The King
Lost In Translation
Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World
Mystic River
Seabiscuit
CASTAGNA: What's with the friggin' colons? Hey Tubby, bet
two potato chips on a film with a colon in the title winnin'.
TUBSTER: That's a great bet. They have that on the board
at Manfrito's Bean-a-sino.
CHET: Lord Of The Rings is the only one I've seen.
AL SAHHAF: It is the only one that has made it into town
thus far.
CHET: Yeah, but the others are over at the Cinderplex in
Wausau.
BREASTS: I'll go with Seabiscuit.
CASTAGNA: I'll take that action.
TUBSTER: Sucker bet.
ALEJANDRO: My head is numb from trying to predict this.
CHET: Your head is numb from the lightning strikes, son.
MR. STATS: the odds of you getting hit again are the same
as "Master & Commander" winning the Oscar.
"Mystic River" is statistically the best bet.
CASTAGNA: "Lost In Translation." That's my pick
- and the story of me tryin' to talk to you two beautiful
breasts.
ALEJANDRO: "Master & Commander."
CASTAGNA: Is that your movie pick or are you talkin' to
God?
DICK: Indian shamans referred to their guiding spirits as
master or commander.
CASTAGNA: If you weren't good with a bowie knife, I'd bust
your chops.
DICK: I have one strapped to my groin.
BREASTS: Really....
(pause)
DICK: Actually - yeah. I do.
SANDY: (emerging from the back) Got two dozen jelly-filled
left, go to town!
(everyone eats donuts and stops talking. 22 minutes later
--)
Short Subject
Asylum
Chernobyl Heart
My Architect
The Weather Underground
CHET: Short subject. Yer kiddin', right?
CASTAGNA: I got a plane to catch.
MR. STATS: My shortest subject was algebra. I graded out
in three weeks.
CASTAGNA: Yeah, that impresses the chicks.
DICK: Gotta check my sled dogs.
BREASTS: You took the dogsled here? Oooh. Could you give
me a ride?
AL SAHHAF: Almighty Mister of Stats, you can clearly see
that your impressive act of intellectual fortitude is worthless
with women controlled by the sexual serpent.
TUBSTER: Three-to-one on the thing with "Chernobyl"
in the title just because people will think they should
vote for it.
ALEJANDRO: That.... (closes eyes)... is a good bet.
TUBSTER: Really? Hey Chet--
CHET: No you can NOT have an advance. Don't try to submit
this on the expense account either.
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