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NBA ALL STAR GAME: EAST OVER WEST, 721-690!
Denver, CO - In the fourth-highest scoring NBA
All-Star Game in history, the East Stars
beat the West Stars 721-690, giving fans a hell
of a show and even more reason to despise Kobe Bryant.
LeBron James led all scorers with 179 points
despite hitting just four of his 91 three-point attempts. The
four-second shot clock was a non-factor as players waived any
defensive efforts in the name of bodily health. Over 800 fans
had to evacuate a courtside section in the third quarter when
Detroit's Ben Wallace looked at them. The scheduled
halftime - a man playing college fight songs by letting the air
out of a basketball in a controlled fashion - was cancelled due
to FCC stipulations about farting noises.
REDNECK FANS PROTEST AT 'GAYTONA!'
Daytona, FL - Sunday's Daytona 500,
won for the third time by Jeff Gordon and once
again featuring no pit row fisticuffs, was the subject of picketing
by over 700 old-time redneck stock car racing fans with placards
that dubbed the race 'Gaytona.' The group, FART - Fans Against
Racing Tact - is upset that 'good 'ol boy' behavior is being legislated
out of the sport in order to widen its appeal. "You know
what Gordon did the night before the race?" queried Lem Tom
Goosh, FART spokesman, "He got a clay facemask! What the
hell is that?! Get hammered on some Jim Beam and go knife somebody's
tires, ya pansyass!" Goosh said if yuppies need a new sport
so badly they should "start a badminton league and give me
back my half-drunk bubbas whackin' each others windshields with
empty gallons of cheap booze!"
HOCKEY IGNORES PUBLIC, RETURNS!
New York, NY - The National Hockey League
ignored months of public disinterest and downright ennui by deciding
to return to action in some form this coming week. An abbreviated
(please remove all small candies from mouth and do not choke while
laughing) 'regular' season will be played in the next few weeks,
culminating in shortened playoffs. Due to previous commitments
the only television network with room to carry the playoff action
is the TV Guide satellite channel. Joan
and Melissa Rivers will handle the broadcasts.
OOPS! -- 'BIG SHOT BOBSLED' FORGETS
HAY BALES!
Pick-up Mountain, CO - Fox TV's
new celebrity game show, 'Big Shot Bobsled,' was yanked off the
air in mid-episode Monday when the team of Tom Bergeron
and Vivica A. Fox slid out of turn five on the
Pick-up Mountain Run, flew off the course and smacked into a giant
noble fir which had not been buffered by the traditional hay bales.
In fact, no trees or power poles had been buffered by hay bales
because the show's producers did not feel enough speed could be
gained by any of the celebrity teams, which also included the
Ralph Macchio/Greta Van Susteren team and the
Eddie Money/Tommy Chong team. Fortunately, Vivica
Fox's forehead absorbed most of the impact. Bergeron walked away
unscathed and Fox was taken to Awesome Powder Medical Center where
she was listed in "excellent except could somebody shut her
up" condition.
BUSH ACCIDENTALLY CALLS BELGIAN SOCCER
TEAM 'TERRORIST CELL!'
Brussels, Belgium - President Bush,
visiting Europe to mend fences after breaking them into kindling
and shoving them piece by piece into a mulcher during the Iraq
war, inadvertently hurt his chief mission when he somehow referred
to the Belgian national soccer team as a potential terrorist cell
for Al Queda. "I meant it jokin'!" insisted Bush, "I
mean, look at 'em, they got some nasty, swarthy lookin' fellas
there! It's a joke! If we can't joke, then the terrorists have
won--" Bush was then yanked off in mid-sentence by Karl
Rove using a giant whaler's hook.
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