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SORENSTAM
DEMANDS MULLIGANS FOR COLONIAL!
Hacker's Bay, FL - Officially entered into this
year’s men’s PGA event at the Colonial, Annika Sorenstam
this week demanded she receive one mulligan per nine holes. “Come
on, I’m a poor little girlie, for God’s sake,”
said Sorenstam in her lilting Scandinavian accent. “I can’t
afford to yank an abdominal overcooking a drive - this body has
to bear children.” Sorenstam presented charts and graphs
from the Institute For The Constant Advancement Of Swedish Women’s
Looks that showed the difference between the male and female body.
PGA officials were impressed with the charts, calling them “new
information.” “We’ll take it under advisement,”
said an unnamed PGA official. Colonial tourney official Bud “Buddy”
Walsh added, “Tiger can’t make the Colonial, so we
gotta have some trick-like gimmick, and tossin’ the little
lady a couple a mullies and maybe a foot wedge here or there is
a small price to pay for not flushin’ the whole dadburn
shootin’ match in the terlet.”
NEBRASKA
GRIDDERS TO BE PAID - IN GRAIN!
Lincoln, NE - The Nebraska state legislature
agreed to pay University of Nebraska football players a monthly
stipend of $1700 worth of wheat and/or sorghum. “The University
makes millions of dollars on these kids,” said representative
Stu “Big Red” Siggleston, “so why shouldn’t
they at least get a stipend of wheat and/or sorghum that lets
them live a little?” Siggleston added that Nebraska’s
bothersome surplus sorghum problem, which has clogged up storage
bays statewide, had “nothing to do” with the legislature’s
decision to avoid cash payments. The Big Red Booster club will
provide players with individual grain silos, unless the gift of
the silo is an NCAA rules infraction, in which case the Booster
Club will “rent” the silos to the players for a half-pound
of wheat and/or sorghum.
SCANDAL:
ANTHEM SINGING BREASTS DID ADULT FILMS!
Beverly Hills, CA - On the heels of last
week’s Sportalicious! Cover story, the pair of breasts
who sang the National Anthem at a Laker game last week held a
teary-eyed press conference Sunday to admit that a wild internet
rumor was indeed true: the breasts had appeared in several “adult”
films in 1998 and ’99. “We’re not proud, but…”
the left breast said, then broke down sobbing. The right breast
finished saying, “…but you do what you have to do
put food on the table for your babies.” The breasts have
been banned from any future television appearances. “You
just can’t have that kind of salacious behavior associated
with the clean-cut family image of the NBA,” said league
rep Dick Skurg. “The shame of it is, they did a hell of
a job on the anthem. They can sing. They could work Vegas.”
COLLEGE
ATHLETE TAKES OWN TEST!
Minneapolis, MN - A University of Minnesota varsity basketball
player, Scott Luddard, reportedly took his own mid-term exam in
Geography last Friday. Luddard scored a C-plus, correctly placing
Brazil in South America but putting Japan in southern Europe next
to Italy. “I remember my mom telling me once that pasta
was invented in Japan or something like that,” Luddard said,
“so I just figured it must be down in that area near the
Italy boot kicking the Sicily soccer ball.” Luddard identified
“almost” 32 of the 50 states that comprise the United
States, and correctly placed Oklahoma City in Oklahoma. Said his
professor, E.M. Horst, “I think he’s set a remarkably
healthy precedent for future basketball players, although I didn’t
know what to do at first because I’m so used to that chubby
girl taking the tests and then having my teaching assistant grade
them so I’m one step removed from any illegal activity and
possible prison time.” Luddard made mid-semester dean’s
list.
BODE MILLER CREDITS
‘SPECIAL’ POLE!
St. Moritz, Switzerland - Downhill champ
Bode Miller of America credited his dominating performance at
this past weekend’s World Ski Championships to the relaxing
effect he got from sucking on one of his own ski poles. The pole
was jerry-rigged with a small piece of stolen window screen, a
Bic pen shaft, fresh snow and a relaxant of some sort Bode would
pull occasionally from the left inside rim of his goggles. “It
was like takin’ a hit off a kinda different snow cone,”
said Miller, who despite being interviewed fireside in the lodge
hours after the race was dressed in only boxer shorts and a Tyrolean
troll hat. He still had the ski pole with him. “Check it
out, my buddies sealed the seam of the bowl with some Bubblicious!”
Bode is headed for the next World Cup stop in Klutenfip, Austria,
where unfortunately he thought he already was.
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