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TOP NBA PLAYERS
KILL TWO HOURS TOGETHER!
Just North Of The Bad Part Of LA - Over thirty
NBA players got together last Sunday afternoon
for an easy-going brunch and shootaround at the Staples
Center. The players compared notes on cars, SUVs, foreign
cars, car sound systems, SUV wheel rims, car and SUV custom lighting
packages, cars of the future, next year's car and SUV models,
car garages, changing vehicular manslaughter laws, increasing
car values, chicks and Jayson Williams. Then
they held a casual "first team to 135 points" shootaround
televised by TNT. Proceeds from the event were
distributed evenly among the players for future car and SUV-related
expenses.
SELIG STUMBLES, MAKES RIGHT MOVE!
New York, NY - Acting baseball commissioner Bud
Selig inadvertently broke a world-record string of 53
consecutive wrong decisions by okaying the trade that sent Alex
Rodriguez from the Texas Rangers to
the New York Yankees in exchange for Alphonso
Soriano and mind-boggling debt relief. Selig was about
to nix the trade but apparently suffered an attack of hypertension
in a New York City cab and was prescribed Ambien by a Jamaican
"doctor" on the scene. Selig took seven of the pills.
Ten minutes later he okayed the Rodriguez deal and later on picked
up the dinner tab at Nobu, a move his assistant called "unprecedented."
CIVILITY MARS DAYTONA 500!
Daytona, FL - In a shocking display of couth,
NASCAR drivers in Sunday's Daytona 500
failed to blame each other for several race-stopping incidents,
refrained from calling each other names and browbeat no one during
the entire running of the race. "This sucks," said race
fan Tom Bob Purjor, a 44-year-old used water heater hauler from
Drainage Villas, Florida, adding, "I might have to switch
to Ultimate Fightin'. Or try the gay thing." NASCAR officials
admitted TV ratings dropped steadily throughout the race and said
they would address the rampant, ugly politeness with a series
of "Dad Gum It!" seminars slated to begin next week.
GAP IN BUSH MILITARY RECORDS? - PBA
TOUR!
Port Saint DimmyDing, AL - Sportalicious! reporters
disguised as road crew convicts have discovered that former president
George W. -- Whoops! -- current president George W. Bush
was briefly on the Pro Bowlers Tour in 1972-'73,
thus solving the controversy over an unexplained 'gap' in Bush's
National Guard records. Bush, a solid bowler through his college
years, joined the tour under the name "Arturo Cantinflas,
Jr." A bowler by that name made $853 in an eighteen-month
time span in '72-'73 on the PBA Tour, then attacked a shoe spray
girl in Grand Platte, Nebraska and was forced off the Tour by
the other bowlers.
S-PEES TO BE SEEN ON TELEMUNDO!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Sportalicious's sports
awards show, "The S-Pees Live From The Las Vegas Trailways
Bus Maintenance Hangar," has found a broadcast home - none
other than Spanish-speaking giant Telemundo!
Telemundo apparently agreed to a high four-figure licensing fee
and a tape-delayed air date of 4am, Wednesday, april 21st, though
confirmation of this was difficult as no one on the conference
call from Sportalicious's end spoke Spanish. The awards show -
not affiliated in any way with ESPN's Espy awards
except that it is also a sports awards show - will be dubbed into
Spanish prior to the air date and then will carry english subtitles
for our non-bilingual fans.
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