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MLB TRIES TO DIVERT FOCUS FROM 'ROIDS BY
SCREWING UP FANTASY BASEBALL!
New York, NY - Major League Baseball
is cleverly trying to switch focus from it's slight little steroid
issue by completely screwing up fantasy baseball leagues around
this great nation of ours! MLB is demanding website leagues lower
their participant limits from 20,000 to 5,000. "You see,
this way," said an MLB spokesman who asked to remain nameless
because of death threats, "we reduce interest in our sport
and simultaneously destroy dozens of thriving website businesses,
sending their owners into financial tailspins and forcing the
owners' kids into the worst public schools. Soon, they'll have
their cars up on blocks in the front yard. It's perfect, don't
you see? How can you not see? By the way, we don't have a steroid
problem. It's just that one percent that spoils it for the rest
of us."
PRO BOWL FEATURES SEVERAL CONS!
Exta Vowels, Hawaii - The NFL's
Pro Bowl, a wonderful injury-avoidance festival
held every year in Hawaii, featured a handful of cons who are
either facing prison time, have served prison time, or are blowing
scads of money to avoid prison time. The cons had their publicity
shots taken from both the front and the side and received bonus
money from the league to fly out appropriate parole officers or
prison personnel. The NFL is hoping that within the next three
years it can field an entire starting lineup of cons that can
then play a selected group of the Super Jesus Freak Kneel Down
At Midfield pros. Said and NFL source, "We just need to juice
the ratings a little."
ROMANO, JAMES FINISH PEBBLE BEACH
MONDAY NITE!
Carmel, CA - TV celebs Ray Romano
("Everybody Loves Raymond") and Kevin James
("King Of Queens" and the new movie "Hitch"),
who both participated in this past weekend's AT&T
Pebble Beach Pro Am golf tournament, finally finished
their rounds at 8:20pm Monday night, aided by candlelight from
irritated course neighbors. Romano finished with a 109 and James
a 111, but each finished using their original ball. James claims
most of the delay was because Romano "took forever reading
the greens," but Romano said nearly all of the delay was
because James stopped every three holes to eat. The two will resume
being close friends after a brief cool-down period.
GRAMMYS SHOCKER: KOBE LIMITS LATIFAH'S
STAGE TIME!
Los Angeles, CA - Temperamental LA Lakers
star Kobe Bryant even put his stamp on Sunday's
Grammy Awards, held at "his" Staples
Center, by forcing producers to cut host Queen
Latifah's mic time because "she was doin' really
well, and you know somethin'? This is MY house! Nobody shows me
up on my floor!" said Bryant, adding, "I'm funny. I'm
way funny. Got a good baritone voice range too." Grammy producers'
families were kidnapped until they agreed to cut off Latifah monologues
at 20 seconds and give a ten-minute, show-deadening segment to
the accountants from Deloitte & Touche.
WELSH MAN LOSES TESTICLE BET ON TECHNICALITY!
A Welsh man who promised to cut off his own testicles if Wales
beat England in rugby did
exactly that after Wales 11-9 victory... but lost the bet
anyway when doctors noticed his sac had been torn, not cut! "The
Welshman 'welched,' so to speak!" said bartender Ruddy Pulpippin,
who then guffawed at his own lame wordplay joke for over three
minutes while patrons stole beer after beer behind his back. Pulpippin
then noticed the stolen beers and started a bloody cricket mallet
fight that lasted three days. He then recanted accusations, had
everyone back for bangers and mash, and caught a venereal disease
from a hooker who turned out to be his cousin. Oh, to be in England!
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