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NBA
ALL-STAR INTROS GARNER TONY NOMINATION!
Atlanta, GA - “People, I never saw anything
more breathtakingly gay in my entire career on Broadway!”
That’s how Tony Awards nominating co-chair Peter Van Dootz
described Sunday’s NBA All-Star Game Player Introduction
Ceremonies, which featured a festive supermodel-style runway,
a spinning disco mirror ball, smoke machines and over eight miles
of cheap, cheesy tinsel. Van Dootz said the the fact that the
NBA All-Star Game Player Introduction Ceremonies did not initially
appear on a Broadway stage is “a minor cadoodle.”
“If we can get it here before July, we’re fine,”
said Van Dootz. “Please! ‘Urinetown’ is on its
last legs, good Lord, the name alone gives me hives!” The
NBA said it would not renew the contract of All Star Introduction
consultant Isaac Mizrahi.
ANNA NICOLE SMITH DECLARES
FOR NFL DRAFT!
Mexia, TX - Inspired by Annika Sorenstam’s
decision to play in a sanctioned men’s PGA tour event this
year, Anna Nicole Smith announced her decision to enter the upcoming
NFL draft. Her workout at a recent NFL combine impressed scouts.
“She’s got good lateral movement for someone that
big,” said one scout, “and she ripped off a 4.9 forty.
Without a sports bra. She’s a natural nose tackle, just
all snarl and blood and ‘let’s get it on’ in
her eyes. In the right system, she could flourish.” Mel
Kiper has pegged her “as high as low second-round. I saw
her drink Bill Romanowski under the table. Great hands. Could
even play tight end.” Smith played her college ball at a
Hooter’s near Houston.
NBC, DICK WOLF JOIN FORCES
ON “LAW & ORDER: NAP”
New York, NY - Citing the proliferation of athletes in
legal trouble, “Law & Order” creator Dick Wolf
and NBC will jointly produce a new hour-long drama to premiere
next fall entitled, “Law & Order: Narcissistic Athlete
Patrol.” The show will pair Jerry McConnell of “Kangaroo
Jack” and “Tomcats” fame with Billy Mays from
the “Orange Clean” infomercials as the leaders of
a special unit created to solve crimes involving self-centered
professional athletes. Alyssa Milano may join the cast as “Alyssa,”
a model-turned-cop. Stories will be “ripped from today’s
headlines,” a phrase that wasn’t spoken by anyone
but should just always appear in quotes. In the premiere, Randy
Moss will play himself.
FLAP RAGES
OVER SPORTALICIOUS! FIGURE SKATING SCOOP!
Sportalicious.com’s exclusive report last week on the remarkable
spike in heterosexual ratings for televised figure skating has
stirred up its own tempest. Readers are up in arms, summarized
best by a “Dave” of Fairfax, VA., who furiously responded,
“Your stories rate at about a 2 out of 10 on the originality
scale.” Another “Dave” of Fairfax, VA added,
“Not too strong.” And yet a third “Dave”
of Fairfax, VA added, “What you've come up thus far is horrific.”
On the flip side, gay rights groups have shown their support for
our investigative report by not paying attention, and the Society
For Nondescript Office Buildings weighed in with, “Nice
nondescript office building picture.” We stand by our story
(Archives:
Feb 4).
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