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MARINO:
COSTAS LAID DOWN THE LAW!
New York, NY - Dan Marino claimed
Monday that the reason he left the Dolphins front
office and returned to HBO's "Inside
The NFL" program was a simple one - Bob
Costas runs that show with an iron fist! Sportalicous!
reporters disguised as depressed, moody statmen learned on the
show's set that Costas pulled Marino aside and slapped him around
like Fredo Corleone, then said, "I strongly
recommend you get your priorities straight, or next time I'll
row you out to the center of the lake and that's that, pretty
boy." Marino turned in his Dolphins' resignation the next
day. As you'll recall, Costas of course won the anchor chair on
"Inside The NFL" in a poker showdown with former host
Len Dawson.
S-PEES LOSES VEGAS ELKS CLUB!
Las Vegas, NV - The first annual Sportalicious!
S-Pees awards are momentarily without a home because the Las
Vegas Elks Clubs denied the use of their facility after failing
to get a deposit on time. The Elks Club was a last-minute substitute
for Caesar's Palace, which backed out as the
venue when they were informed they'd been selected as the venue.
Sportalicious! has a signed TV deal with Telemundo,
which should help procure a venue before the March airdate. Trailways
has expressed interest in renting out its repair garage, and Lost
Souls Cemetery in Henderson said they have an empty mausoleum
that could work if the crowd is under two hundred.
MR. STATS INJURED IN BAR FIGHT!
Houston, TX - Only moments after leaving last
week's Super Bowl, Sportalicious! resident math
expert Glen Furg, known as "Mr.
Stats," was lured into a bar by New England Patriots
fans under the guise of a celebratory beer and beaten senseless
for referring to the Pats as the "New Jersey Patriots"
in his Jan. 27 column.
Furg is resting comfortably in Oil Refinery Medical Center with
a broken jaw and a Patriots helmet rammed up his ass. Despite
being heavily sedated he tapped out in Morse code with his fingers
the fact that the odds of getting beaten up after his next column
appears to have actually dropped to 75-1. Sportalicious columnist
The Tubster has recommended
that gamblers take that bet.
HOCKEY BLAMES ZERO RATING ON GRAMMYS!
St. Paul, MN - Despite using exploding pucks
and having lingerie models as announcers, the National
Hockey League All-Star Game pulled a
zero rating in the weekend Nielsons. "Look,
everyone knows the Grammys and hockey share essentially
the same demographic," said Gil 'Gilles' Gilbert, the NHL's
marketing exec. "Next year we may play on a Tuesday, because
nobody holds an awards show on a Tuesday." The East beat
the West All-Stars 6-4 and won $500 dollars for Pete Stipanovich
of Youngstown Ohio, who was the only one of seven internet participants
who picked the East.
PHIL SIMMS STILL TALKING!
Apple Holler, KY - CBS Super
Bowl commentator Phil Simms is still
talking, apparently unaware that the Super Bowl telecast ended
at approximately 11:30pm EST last Sunday. Simms limo to the airport
lasted over an hour, and his flight home took over three hours,
yet he continued to make fuzzy, ill-focused observations through
the whole journey, according to a limo driver who requested anonymity
so he didn't get accidentally shot by Jayson Williams.
Gas jockeys at tiny Flug Field near Simms home said he was still
talking as he wandered off the private jet and in fact, still
had a microphone in his hand. Neighbors who illegally use Simms
property to hunt possum reported non-stop chatter from his home
all last week, and just this Monday morning his gas meter reader
confirmed that Simms was still talking.
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