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NEW POLITICAL SPORTS SHOW: DEBATE 'N SKATE!
Los Angeles, CA - Shouting the rallying cry,
"We've finally got something we can pair up with 'Dennis
Milller!'," CNBC spokesman Lars
Von Vlumnus introduced to the waiting press corps the network's
new current events/sports show, "Debate 'N Skate!" Political
commentators will be forced to argue points while sliding across
the Rockefeller Center rink on ice skates. Each gets two hip checks
and a free rabbit punch, but if a contestant is too winded to
make his point, "That's tough," chuckled Von Vlumnus.
Competition for "Debate 'N Skate" may come from Fox's
new "Big Shot Bobsled," in which two celebs who don't
know each other are thrust into a sled together for the first
time with a TV pilot deal riding on the outcome.
D'AMATO COLUMN LATE AGAIN!
Port O' Pade, The Cayman Islands - Sportalicous's
new fitness columnist, Chuck D'Amato, has missed another deadline
for his inaugural health column on the website and may be in some
legal trouble, according to website editor Chet
Waterhouse. "I'm checkin' into if Wisconsin has an extradition
treaty with the Caymans," said Waterhouse, "and then
if 'Flaking Off' is considered an international felony!"
D'Amato, reached at the Port O' Pade Spa Resort and Casino, said
calmly, "Oh yeah, that thing. Gimme a couple days to ride
out this baccarat wave I'm on-- wait, that's my other line."
D'Amato most probably has spent his entire $300 advance, but will
probably finesse some wiggle room because he's in better physical
shape than anyone else working for the website. If indeed, he's
working for the website.
AL SAHHAF BACK IN IRAQ, MAY HEAD SPORTS
CHANNEL!
Queezi, Iraq - Despite ongoing turmoil in his
homeland, Saddam Hussein's former minister of information-turned
Sportalicious! interviewer and golf columnist Mohamed
Saeed al Sahhaf has quit his post at the website and
returned to the newly free and dangerous Iraq to "help out
by doing, what I do best, spewing bulls$*t," said Al Sahhaf.
Al Jazeera has reportedly talked to Al Sahhaf
about heading the newly-revived "NightCenter
For Sport Things," the Arab equivalent to ESPN's
"Sportscenter" that may have the only running Arena
Goat Bludgeoning score crawl in the world. The job appears a lock,
as Al Sahhaf has already held a press conference to say, "ESPN
is the shallow mask of dung that hides the stench-wreaking skeleton
that is 'western sport.' Though the X Games aren't
bad."
FRIDGE INVENTS NEW WORD, WEBSTER'S
SAYS 'A-OK!'
Molar Gap, SC - Former Chicago Bears
star William 'Refrigerator' Perry coined a brand
new word in a recent interview that left chuckling critics in
the dust and won the instant approval of Webster's Dictionary!
Perry recently described multi-talented Philadelphia Eagles
running back Brian Westbrook as "diversitile."
And while scribes smirked judgmentally, Perry took the word to
Webster's new drive-thru window in Atlanta and got immediate approval!
"It's brilliant," said Dictionary spokesman Sir Miles
Fladge, "diversitile: having multiple talents in two main
areas. Beats the hell out of 'multi-talented,' isn't that right,
Hack Boy who wrote this story?" Rap star Nelly
immediately announced his next double album will be intitled "Diversitility."
NHL MAY PLAY 4-GAME MINI-SEASON - NETWORKS:
"STILL TOO LONG!"
Abandoned Diner, Ontario - Exhausting all-night
negotiations between the National Hockey League
and the NHL Players Association held here that
hammered out a four-game mini-season followed by three one-period
playoff rounds may all be for naught. All four major networks
and 37 minor ones said they would not carry any hockey on their
airwaves ever - though Spike TV said if naked
women could be integrated, it would consider it. Bitter union
rep and former enforcer for the Minnesota North Stars
Jock "SnapNeck" Gundersamuelson said, "This sucks.
All that time with nothing but diner food. We could've at least
held it at a place that had a more diversitile menu."
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