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PRE-GAME SHOW KEY:
HOOKER-LOOKIN' WOMEN!
Delaware City, DE - A recent study of NFL viewers
this past season shows a direct correlation between higher ratings
and female reporters who look like hookers from the early ‘80s.
“Really Whorish Women have definitely eclipsed Belching
Hick Ex-Jocks as a key to ratings success,” said Ben Wong
of the Institute For The Study Of Television And Football. “The
more leather vests and frosted hair the better.” Wong pointed
to Fox’s Jillian Barberie as the pinnacle. “Look at
her!” shouted Wong. “I haven’t seen anything
that hot since that chick in the J.Geils Band video!” When
asked which video, Wong could not remember. “Man, that’s
a long time ago,” he said. “Actually, now that I think
of it, maybe it was a Poison video. Or Ratt. I think it was a
Ratt video.” In a bid to remain competitive, CBS will replace
host Jim Nantz with Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. A CBS spokesman
said, “She’s already more real than Nantz, and excuse
me, have you seen the cans on her? She looks like the chick from
that Whitesnake video. No wait, was it a Molly Hatchet video?”
ABC will stick with Al Michaels and John Madden.
PATERNO SIGNS PACT
WITH DEVIL, WILL COACH 'TIL 2025!
State College, PA - Penn State announced this
week that football coach Joe Paterno has just inked a deal with
Beelzebub, Ruler Of Hades, that will keep him in the Nittany Lions
driver’s seat until the year 2025. “I feel like I
could coach til I’m a hundred and fifty,” joked Paterno,
“but really, enough is enough. This’ll be it. Then
it’s adios.” Earlier this season Paterno chased an
official into a stadium tunnel to protest a call, then once in
the tunnel allegedly pistol-whipped and robbed the official, receiving
a stern reprimand from the Big Ten front office. But Paterno claims
the reprimand had “nothing to do” with his plans to
retire in 2025.
FEDS SEAL DEAL BETWEEN NHL, WITNESS
PROTECTION PROGRAM!
Washington, DC - The United States government
has negotiated a deal with the National Hockey League to hide
its most notorious informants on the rosters of NHL clubs. “We
feel it is by far the safest environment out there,” said
FBI agent Buck Sauter. “The ratings for the NHL All Star
game were zero? Did YOU watch? No, you didn’t. Zero, I tell
you.” An ABC spokesman would not confirm or deny that the
ratings for the broadcast were in fact zero, but a check with
the Nielsen company showed that its needles didn’t budge.
ABC has consistently denied that it offered to pay an audience
to watch but failed to garner any interest even among drug addicts.
The Feds feel the NHL is so safe that witnesses sent there will
actually be allowed to keep their real names.
COLLEGE HOOPS SEASON COULD ELIMINATE
AS MANY AS 18 TEAMS!
Indianapolis, IN - The NCAA announced today that
when the regular college basketball season concludes in early
March as many as eighteen teams will not be eligible for the post-season
tourney. “This truly puts value on regular season games,”
said an NCAA spokesman. “You have to play your fanny off
or you could be one of nine at-large teams eliminated!”
Teams already eliminated through conference tie-ins are Northwestern
(Big Ten) Vanderbilt (SEC) Washington State (Pac 10) Kansas State
(Big Twelve) and West Virginia (Big East). As always, the entire
ACC conference will get a bye into the round of 32.
SPORTALICIOUS’ OWN CHET WATERHOUSE
TO BE HONORED!
Sportalicious.com’s veteran play-by-play man, Chet
Waterhouse, will be honored by the American Sports Broadcasters
Union for making it 14 straight years without biting a hooker
on the back, the longest current streak among major media play-by-play
men. In order to receive his award, Waterhouse will miss for the
first time ever the opening rounds of the World Speed-Fishing
Championships, the combination speedskating/ice fishing event
dominated most recently by Finland.
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