Possible US Figure Skating Headquarters

“NBC’S Skate-tacular featuring Pooh Bear and Oksana Baiul” scored a 0.03 rating among heterosexual viewers, easily eclipsing the former best, a 0.011 hetero rating for ESPN’s “Brian Boitano’s IceCelebration Featuring The Music Of Kool And The Gang”. “We anticipate a full tenth of a hetero point by the end of the decade,” said an NBC exec. Boitano boasted his next show, “Chicago: The Movie: On Ice!” will break the record again. “Guys love Catherine Zeta-Jones,” said Boitano, “and Elvis Stojko does her to a tee!” Boitano would not comment on the Scott Hamilton situation. Hamilton may be banned even from exhibition skating, purportedly for using an ”illegal substance.” “Yeah, it’s called a vagina,” said Hamilton. “I’m hetero and they’re drummin’ me out.”