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CBS ANNOUNCERS
STEAL PALLBEARER OUTFITS!
Super Bowl - Houston police charged the CBS
pre-game and half-time announcing team of Jim Nantz,
Dan Marino, Deion Sanders and
Boomer Esiason with aggravated robbery when the
quartet attacked a funeral procession, stole four of the pallbearers
suits, yanked two women out of a trailing Buick,
commandeered it and sped off to Reliant Stadium
to proceed with their broadcast. "Apparently, they scouted
funerals all week, looking for comparably-sized men," said
police spokesperson Nancy Del Taco. The funeral proceeded as scheduled
but with four bruised pallbearers dressed in only underwear and
CBS Sports windbreakers. The Buick was recovered at a Hooters
near Reliant Stadium.
BIGGEST LAME HALF-TIME SHOW EVER!
Super Bowl - Hail CBS! Records fell left and
right at Sunday's Super Bowl as the network smashed
records for Lamest Half-Time Show, Most Washed Up Artists In A
Half-Time Show, Worst Use Of A Marching Band Ever, Most Breasts
Exposed On A Televised Half-Time and Dumbest Dancing In A Football
Field Presentation (Half-Time or Pre-Game.) Representatives for
Justin Timberlake told the press their artist
had been tricked into appearing, with NFL officials
telling him it was a private visit with the Pope up until the
very second Timberlake was painfully corkscrewed up from beneath
the field and had to start singing. CBS reps proudly announced
that everything went off without a hitch and fit into their half-time
theme, "Hodge Podge Of Crap With Some Flags."
CBS DOESN'T SHOW STREAKER: PENIS
TOO SMALL!
Super Bowl - A freak confluence of glitches coupled
with a major editorial decision prevented CBS from catching on
video a lone streaker who took the field right before the second-half
kickoff of Sunday's Super Bowl. Of their thirty-seven camera placements,
over half were still entranced after having seen Janet Jackson's
breast and couldn't get to their cameras in time. Six more were
trying to find women in the crowd for Jeff Probst
to date, and the others were told to avoid the shot after CBS
second-assistant director Thomey Parks decided the streaker's
penis was "not newsworthy." Said Parks, "It was
small and a little bent, so how does that help ratings?"
MADDEN CHARGED WITH STALKING!
Super Bowl - Oh how the mighty chubby have fallen!
Though no pictures exist to back it up, several eyewitnesses claim
that CBS play-by-play man Greg Gumbel was stalked
and assaulted by ABC football announcer John
Madden outside Reliant Stadium Sunday after the Super
Bowl. Distraught at no longer having a chance to work the NFL's
premier game, Madden apparently started drinking and driving his
huge Winnebago cross-country from his home in the San Francisco
Bay area and crossed into Texas Saturday night "weaving like
an Amish rugmaker," according to the Texas Rangers. Madden
then kept drinking, forced his way into the handicapped lot at
Reliant Stadium, ate a sauteed duck for breakfast, then waited
behind a Yoo Hoo and Moon Pie concession stand for Gumbel to emerge.
Gumbel was uninjured in the attack, but his hairpiece was damaged
and will have to be sent back to the Jet Propulsion Lab for repairs.
EVEN IN HOUSTON, NO ONE KNOWS WHAT
'RELIANT' IS!
Super Bowl - Though Reliant Stadium unanimously
proved to be a great venue for the Super Bowl, no one - not one
single person entering or exiting the facility - had any idea
who or what Reliant was. "He's a superhero, right? 'Reliant?'
" was the best 37-year-old pipeline worker Jerry Hal Grizzard
could muster. Dexter Mandrill of Osprey Pit, Louisiana guessed
"Women's genital somethin'-or-other," while Esta Thom
thought it was "a pork dish." Officials at Reliant headquarters
were not exactly sure who they were either, but stated uniquivocally
that we could "rely on" them.
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