"That Janet Jackson breast thing was mine too."

Super Bowl - Millions of Americans still sleep as we go to press, thanks to a stunning but frightening prank played by magician and former supermodel dater David Copperfield! Sportalicious! reporters disguised as ass-kissing network sychophants learned that CBS - under the guise of televising a "Super Bowl" - allowed Copperfield to construct an elaborate illusion that resembled a football game on the surface but was actually a hypnotic visual trance designed to knock out the entire viewing public! Tens of millions of viewers were already drifting in semi-consciousness by the middle of the first quarter, with most other viewers drifting into a sublimated state by the middle of the second quarter. At that point, the one CBS executive who still had a shred of conscience left from a former life as a pre-med student ran into the mobile control room outside Houston's Reliant Stadium and tackled Copperfield. He then swore he would tell "Access Hollywood" that Copperfield used eyeliner and sparkly rouge unless the magician broke the spell. Copperfield struggled to his feet and whispered into a live mic wired into the nationial feed, "David Blaine sucks." Millions of viewers - and more importantly, the two teams - snapped out of the trance and actually began what turned out to be a 33-minute football game. Many Americans were peeing or ordering pizza and did not hear the spell-breaker, and will be in the trance until someone says to them, "David Blaine sucks." CBS is recommending that all people out of the trance help out by uttering the phrase, "David Blaine sucks" as often as possible.