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"HOCKEY NIGHT IN CANADA"
CHANGED TO "RUNNING PRESCRIPTION DRUGS INTO THE STATES NIGHT
IN CANADA!"
Frozen Uvula, Manitoba - Due to the unending
strike in pro hockey, Canadian TV authorities have replaced "Hockey
Night In Canada" with a reality-based sports show called
"Running Prescription Drugs Into The States Night In Canada."
CTV camera crews will follow Canadian pharmacists as they take
their 4-wheel drive 1994 Subarus loades with heart pills, Rogaine
and Viagra over the border to waiting geezers
in America's northern tier states including North Dakota, Minnesota,
Vermont and Wisconsin. Canadian TV authorities also announced
they were "shocked" to find out they indeed were the
ones calling the shots for all of Canadian television.
HOCKEY IN HOSPITAL WITH WOUNDS TO
BOTH FEET!
Goosebump, Ontario - The National Hockey
League shot itself in both feet over the weekend and
was rushed to Toronto's Bedlam Medical Center where it was ignored
for 18 straight hours before being treated with Bactine,
given a prescriiption for Prozac and released.
"If ya ain't right in tha head don't be shootin' yourself,
hey," said ER attending physician Benjy Jaw of Moose. On
the bright side for the NHL, 24 capsules of Prozac in Canada cost
only $3.29.
STARVED PUCK FANS CAUSE FIGHT AT
"LIZZIE MCGUIRE ON ICE!"
Frost Blister, MA - A group of 1200 Boston
Bruins fans got super drunk, pounded the plexiglass and
caused a rink-wide melee at Frost Blister Arena during a Sunday
afternoon family matinee of "Lizzie McGuire
On Ice!" The rowdy hockey hooligans chose sides early in
the performance and their constant, drunken heckling eventually
caused the skater playing Lizzie and the skater playing Mom to
engage in a jersey-tearing, skull-punching brawl. Ironically,
the brouhaha boiled over into fisticuffs during the "Family
Is Where It's At!" medley. The donnybrook quickly spread
into the stands, where riot police eventually broke it up by firing
tear gas and bean bags into the mob. The performance was suspended
and the skater playing Lizzie got a two minute minor penalty for
tripping, the first-ever penalty in a non-hockey ice event.
LAST-DITCH EFFORT: HOCKEY STICK NOW
"GARDEN WEEVIL!"
Witch's Breast, MN - With sales brought to a
near-standstill by the NHL strike, desperate hockey stick manufacturers
unveiled their new marketing twist, the Garden Weevil Gardenin'
Stick. The press conference in Witch's Breast was marred only
slightly by the stench of despair. "The Garden Weevil digs,
tills, even weeds, all without any back-breaking bending,"
said Sten Van derVoop, a rim of perspiration dulling his smile
only a bit. Ven derVoop did however admit under only mildly skeptical
questioning that the Garden Weevil is pretty much just a hockey
stick with a small weevil hand drawn on the shaft in laundry pen.
KOBE, SHAQ TO LEG WRESTLE ON 'DAMN
SHOW!'
Dull Headache Estates, CA - Current LA
Lakers star and Czar Kobe Bryant and
former Lakers star Shaquille O'Neal have agreed
in principle to settle their running feud with a leg wrestling
match on FoxSports' "The Best Damn
Sports Show Period." Said host Tom Arnold,
"Let them settle their differences like men, stripping naked
and laying on the floor to leg whip each other while lots of other
men watch." Shaq stated he was "ready," while Kobe
was at a Concierge convention and unavailable for comment. Arnold
added, "So you finally ran outta hockey stories, huh? Nice
try though."
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