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S-PEES LOSES
ALADDIN!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Another bump in the road
for Sportalicious's first
annual sports awards celebration, the S-Pees - the Aladdin
Hotel Casino in Las Vegas has bowed out as the event
location. "They don't know what they're missin' out on,"
said Sportalicious! managing editor Chet Waterhouse.
"We don't know what it is, period," said Aladdin publicist
M'shelle Forte-Gerbst, "and no one at the Aladdin has any
record - phone or internet - of a mere contact from Waterhouse,
let alone a full-blown agreement. What the hell is Sportalicious?
And how come ESPN hasn't sued you clowns over
'the S-Pees?' Our lawyers said steer clear of this as if it was
dog poop on a marble floor." Sportalicious! columnist The
Tubster has contacted Von Braat’s Tiltin’ Windmill
Casino about hosting the prestigious event.
NFL NIXES VEGGIE BURGER AD!
New York, NY - In its continuing effort to purge
the Super Bowl of commercials with 'political
messages,' the NFL cut from its lineup a TV spot
for BigSoy's Veggie Burger, claiming it promotes a 'foreign agenda'
based on 'beans, not meat,' that could lead to political instability
in several regions of the country. A spokesman for BigSoy said,
"What the hell?!" The NFL said it would reconsider the
ad if it was re-cut to include a side dish of chili cheese fries
and a Dr. Pepper.
NETWORK EXEC DROPS DEAD FROM SUPER
BOWL MATCHUP!
Television City Limits, CA - CBS
ad sales exec Davey FitzPugh, 58, fell over dead when informed
the network's premier event, the Super Bowl, would feature small
major market team the New England Patriots against
small mid-market team the Carolina Panthers.
FitzPugh reportedly uttered nothing and fell flat on his nose
dead. Said new CBS ad sales exec Norm Felthius, "God, I wish
I were him."
WIE & LEBRON COMMIT TO SADIE HAWKINS!
Cleveland, OH - 15-year-old Cleveland
Cavalier phenom LeBron James announced
at recess of his fully tutored "school" that he had
been asked by 14-year-old golf phenom Michelle Wie
to go to her Sadie Hawkins dance at Honolulu Big Surf Academy,
and he has accepted. The three days off needed by the famous young
duo to fulfill this high school dance commitment will dent the
US economy by $8 million dollars and sent the Nikkei Index into
a tailspin. Paul Revere And The Raiders will
play the dance.
NATIONAL ANTHEM CONTEST HALTED
DUE TO DARKNESS!
Houston, TX - The Seventh Annual National Anthem
Sing-Off will have to hand out the blue ribbons next week. Held
at Shell Casings Park in downtown Houston, the contest started
last Friday morning, but after seventeen hours, only three contestants
had actually finished their versions of the anthem. Telisha Silque
was halfway through a massive arpeggio on "Rocket's red glare"
when city officials shut down power, citing an ordinance banning
the usage of more than 50,000 kilowatts between the hours of 1am
and 5am. At this rate, organizers figure to finish the contest
in May of 2004.
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