If you’ve ever spent any time in Las Vegas,
particularly between the hours of 1am and 8am, The Tubster needs
no introduction. The omni-present “Tub” slides effortlessly
around Vegas despite his 483 pounds and its accompanying odor.
As a denizen of eateries all over town, he’s beloved, or
as one maitre’d jokingly put it, “barely tolerated,
with his fat freakin’ mouth.”After a successful career
in auto-dial telemarketing, The Tubster turned his talents to
oddsmaking. His career mark of 50.61% right versus a paltry 49.39%
wrong is third all-time among active fat blowhard tipsters.
Last Monday whispered to me that my luck was changing -- my ex
got nailed for doing 130 in a hospital zone coming home from her
gig at the Howlin' Windstorm Casino's Celeb Revue (she plays Meredith
Baxter Birney)! I am happy 'cause now she's got a criminal
record and the alimony police back WAY off!
Ridin' that wave, I hightailed it to DeGradato's Sportsbook at
Mistress Helene's Chamber Casino to parlay it into some serious
potato chips! Packers? Vikes?
Colts? C'mon, HELL no! Tubster's rule #7: Sure
things are buried deeper. Besides, the NFL's
rigged, my boy in New Orleans, Tigershrimp Beudreaux, he's got
it on a floppy disk. So let's go get our fingers greasy on some
major potato chips!
Four chips on Walk Signal over No Left Turn for most popular street
sign...
(Traffic Adjuster's Convention's in Vegas, they vote Friday...
and speaking of, sneak into the ballroom and steal a piece of
DUI Pie, it's fudgy yet still liquor-y!...)
Take Mt. Orson over Kennibulac in the Presbyterian Hockey Shootout...
Ride your winnings on the above two bets, all or nothing, on Granger
McShamus to beat Pnoy Pyongmonyang for the 71-lb Super Gnatweight
world title belt Saturday on the Isle of Peat...
Then, just to impress the lady in your life, drop an extra five
chips on "The O.C." edging out "Monk"
at the People's Choice Awards. That genius insight
will have her huggin' your elbow like an ace bandage or my name
ain't...
THE TUBSTER
We all know unsanctioned gambling
is illegal, and Sportalicious! would never condone it. But if
you're playing at the kitchen table, an innocent game with your
kids using potato chips…knowledge is power, that's all we're
saying.
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