S-PEES LOSE BRENNER! Las Vegas, NV - The First Annual Sportalicious! S-Pee Awards, slated for the Aladdin Hotel in early March, has re-ignited its search for a master of ceremonies after legendary comic David Brenner, now hosting his own room at the Westin Hotel just off The Strip, had to cancel. Brenner said he was unaware he had committed in the first place, then said he was barbecuing for friends that night and couldn't change his schedule. He added he was curious and miffed as to how we got his phone number, began shouting, and then we hung up. CYCLONES CRUSH DEMS IN CAUCUS MATCHES! Ames, IA - The Iowa State University wrestling squad easily topped the Democratic Candidates in a dual meet Monday night, 35-2. The Cyclones dominated every weight class, scoring shutouts over Howard Dean at 165 pounds and Dick Gephardt in the heavyweight class. Joe Lieberman managed a tie at 157 pounds for the Dems only points in the match. The Dems may have lost enthusiasm for the much-ballyhooed meet after their strongest wrestler, Carole Moseley Braun, forfeited her match at 141 pounds. BREWERS FOR SALE ON E-BAY! M'waukee, WI - Owner Bud Selig announced that the Milwaukee Brewers baseball team is for sale - on eBay! Selig said the Buy It Now price is $57 million dollars. There is a reserve that must be met, rumored to be $44 million dollars. The auction is a ten-day auction, but most of the activity is expected near the end, when Selig anticipates a sniping frenzy among egotistical businessmen. If the team doesn't sell, the players will be offered on eBay in a Dutch Auction - winner can buy as many as he wants at the winning price. NEXT OPPONENT? TYSON TO FACE HOCKEY BRAWL! Pelmo, ME - Fight promoters in this insanely lax state have okayed a heavyweight fight between former champ Mike Tyson and a full-on hockey brawl. The brawl will consist of two Buffalo Sabres, a Philadelphia Flyer, and seven Sabre fans. They will be in the black trunks with white trim. Tyson will wear red trunks with the option to wear whatever he f*%king wants when he wants to. There is no three-knock-down rule in Maine, so the brawl can only be saved by the bell. NETS MAY BREAK UP WITH NEW JERSEY! Dull Haze, NJ - Insisting they loved New Jersey but weren't 'in love' with it, the New Jersey Nets announced last week they might move from their north Jersey home. "It's not them, it's us," said team spokesman Dag Peltroon, "We're just in a weird space. We're not sure what we're gonna do with our lives, that's all. We just need space. It has nothing to do with arena size." New Jersey said it suspected the Nets of cheating the last few weeks. The state has cruised past the Nets' condo the last few nights at about 2:30am, and says it has photos showing another city entering the condo and apparently staying the night.