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BALCO TO OFFER STOCK ON NASDAQ!
Oakland, CA - The BALCO Corporation, infamous
for its illegal steroid products, announced Tuesday an initial
stock offering will be proffered next week on Wall Street. "It's
a golden opportunity for people to get in on the ground floor
of the exciting world that is illegal steroid manufacturing,"
said Buzz Kagnutz. Kagnutz, currently in Alameda County custody
on illegal steroid charges, said the IPO should be attractive
to crime lords, criminals, and shifty people of all sorts, but
should reach beyond the core audience to "any Mom & Pop
in Middle America who've ever cheated on their taxes or parked
in a handicapped spot and would like to fatten their retirement
portfolio illegally."
ZAMBONI FACTORY CLOSES, SUES NHL!
Darksnow, OH - The country's only manufacturing
facility for the Zamboni ice-smoothing vehicle has shuttered its
operation due to the National Hockey League strike
and plans to sue the NHL for breach of contract. Zamboni officials
said they have been hurting since week 4 of the strike and have
exhausted all other forms of work continuation, including interesting
NASCAR in a Zamboni division and selling Zamboni
taxis in Iceland. For its part, the NHL had no comment because
it didn't know it was still in existence.
USC MANHANDLES BLAKE LEGAL TEAM FOR
15TH WIN!
Los Angeles, CA - The University of Southern
California Trojan football team easily defeated Robert
Blake's legal team Saturday, 51-17, stopping the Blake
team's 17-month win streak and putting a dent in its confidence
for their upcoming trial. Local television affiliates said the
defeated would finally dampen their enthusiasm for running Blake
updates above virtually every other news item including the tsunami
stuff and Iraq. USC is now 15-0, and Mayor Jim Hahn
is looking around for stalled projects that the Trojans could
dislodge. Pete Carroll said the team's Blake
victory put an estimated $17 million dollars into the university's
scholarship fund.
FIRST D'AMATO COLUMN DELAYED BY VEGAS
HOT STREAK!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Sportalicious's new fitness
columnist, Chuck D'Amato
has informed the website it's going to have to wait a week or
so for his first entry. Apparently D'Amato got on a roll at a
bank of Deuces Wild progressive video poker machines near the
main entrance to the Palms Casino and didn't leave for 30 straight
hours, pocketing five quad Deuces for $1250 dollars and winning
the progressive jackpot not once but twice, for an additional
$2179 dollars. D'Amato said he would begin writing his first column
next week after he slept for three days and had several hookers
and townsgirls.
KOBE TURNS ANKLE, TRADES SHOES, GETS
TRAINER FIRED!
Los Angeles, CA - Los Angeles Lakers
star guard and Svengali, Kobe Bryant, sprained
his ankle in a game last week and will have to sit out five games,
a break that gave him time to plot the demise of Laker assistant
trainer Gump Pleeby and also threaten to destroy Nike
unless they came up with a shoe that could "prevent sprains
and s$*t." Bryant said simply, "we got cars that talk
and drive you right to your home, they should have a shoe that
can prevent sprains and s&*t." Pleeby, 81, was accused
by Bryant of "wrapping my ankle poorly and s&*t"
and will take a job with the Ice Capades.
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