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Tuesday, January 18, 2005



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 Manning Boards First Flight To Nepal!

 
  "See ya, suckas!"

Dateline Foxboro, MA - On the heels of their 47th straight playoff collapse, the Indianapolis Colts told a group of reporters forced to cover their arrival back in Indiana that somehow, somewhere prior to departure from Boston's Logan Airport, star quarterback Peyton Manning slipped away from the team and took the first flight to Nepal. Passengers at the Fat Buddha Airlines gate said Manning shoved his way past them throwing hundred dollar bills at the ticket agent, who promptly let Manning on, gathered up the over-two-thousand dollars in cash, shoved it in his pockets and immediately renounced Buddhism. When contacted by reporters, the main Buddhist temple in Nepal said rather reluctantly that they would take Manning in despite having lost a "significant amount" on the Colts/Pats over-under bet. "We take all spirit who lost," said Dalai Yama, "but we no talk to him for good two months. Three point? Three point total? Not 'Colts.' More like 'Dolts.' So much for 'inner mounting flame.'" Yama justified this un-Buddhist like outburst when he revealed the monks in his monastery had used their Hot Tub Fund for the bet.

The Wire
 
EXCLUSIVES!
Bears Fan Dons Packers Hat, Skull Ignites!

Chet: Rusty Brothel Casino Floats Away!

Kournikova To Take Up Tennis!
     
 
Randy mimes receiving communion.  

New York, NY - NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue announced Sunday he had decided to punish Minnesota Vikings' receiver Randy Moss for "insulting remarks" Moss made regarding his initial punishment for having mimed 'mooning' the Green Bay Packers' crowd last weekend at Lambeau Field. Last Wednesday Moss told reporters upon hearing of his initial $10,000-dollar fine that that amount of money "don't mean s$*t to me." According to Sportalicious! reporters disguised as marbleshiners at the NFL offices, a furious Tagliabue said he wouldn't be turned into "some sort of 'Dean Wormer' loser" and went behind closed doors for two days straight to concoct an appropriate punishment. Moss will have to report immediately to a Mime Prison in Stillwater, Minnesota, to serve a 30-day sentence with 100 actors who will mime being other inmates and a real mime who has been hired to mime being the warden. Moss will have to mime eating, lifting weights and having prison sex, or risk a 3-game suspension at the beginning of next season. Moss immediately held an angry press conference to tell reporters 30 days in mime prison "doesn't mean mime s$*t to me." Tagliabue announced steam would come from his ears for two days while he invented a new mime punishment.



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