DESTINY OVERSLEEPS, MISSES PACKER GAME! Third Quadrant of Heaven - Suffering from the aftereffects of a head cold and a rough ride home from a speaking engagement, Destiny overslept Sunday afternoon and missed the entire Green Bay-Philadelphia NFL playoff game. The Eagles won, 20-17 in overtime, with Destiny just pulling up into the parking lot as Philly's winning field goal cleared the uprights. "Fate was supposed to wake me up," said a distraught Destiny. "I forgot that bastard's from Cherry Hill. I should've left a wake-up call." HANDSLAP LEAGUE FOLDS! Hellbobbin, TN - The Western Hemisphere Handslap League called it quits after losing four of its five franchises following the first week of action. The Sioux Falls Fingertips were declared champions when the Quad Cities Digits, the Hutchinson Red Palms, the Carbondale Fightin' Nails and the Great Slave Lake Knucklecracks ceased operations due to lack of funds. Despite essentially non-existent start-up costs, the franchises cited zero attendance and team inebriation as major factors in the collapse. Sioux Falls will hold a handslap exhibition at Tubby's Bait in nearby Dikston to try and raise enough money to attend the World Handslap Open in Munjabayanbar, Indonesia, in March. RAPID CITY STICKSTERS QUARANTINED! Thumb, ID - The Rapid City Sticksters, the Harlem Globetrotters of hockey, were placed in quarantine by Idaho state medical officials after nine roster members, including former NHL goalie Turge Glum and new head coach Ronnie Mullet, came down with mononeucleosis. The only Thumb resident quarantined was 16-year-old Renee Kisfurk, the night clerk at the Ida-Wash Motor Hotel where the Sticksters were resting after a charity exhibition at the Stateline Fairgrounds. The Sticksters had beaten the Thumb Kiwanis Club 13-0, raising over $190 dollars for local food shelves. SILICONE BAN DOESN'T AFFECT ANTHEM-SINGING BREASTS! Cheddar Falls, WI - Whew! File this under "Dodged A Bullet!" Sportalicious! correspondents the Anthem-Singing Breasts will be unaffected by the federal government's new ban on silicone breast implants. While the Anthem-Singing Breasts do indeed have silicone implants, the are over eight years old and will be "grandmothered" in under the new law's tightly-controlled exemptions. The Breasts will resume their duties covering golf and doing exclusive interviews for the site. CALLAHAN CALLS HUSKERS "DUMB AS COLLEGE KIDS!" Lincoln, NE - Newly-hired Nebraska football coach Bill Callahan, fresh off his tumultuous ride as Oakland Raiders coach, opened his tenure at NU by blistering his entire squad with a vicious blast of vitriol designed to motivate them through the off-season. He called his squad "young, immature, f*%king kids, dumb as g*$#dam 20-year-olds," and "so bad they shouldn't be paid." When informed his squad was not professionals but indeed immature f*$king kids who don't get paid, Callahan asked to speak to his lawyer and then requested Vicodin from the team doctor.