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"Are you looking at the suit?"
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Dork Gorge, MA -The women's swimsuit industry
is "diving" for the Percoset and Absolut after the results of
a ten-year study showed the much-ballyhooed Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Issue actually does not increase the sale of women's swimsuits
at all - and in some instances, decreases sales! "I don't understand
how female consumers are not getting the message!" said swimsuit
industry spokeswoman Parker Filfey. "Are they just that dumb?! How
much clearer can we make it?! Page after page of swimsuits, the issue's
even CALLED 'swimsuit issue', I mean, what in God's name are these women
focusing on?!" Despite massive and ever-increasing sales of the SI
Swimsuit Issue as the years go by, average women's swimsuit sales in months
immediately following the release of the SI Swimsuit Issue have actually
dipped by 0 .7%. "Look, we're pretending to be happy for SI,"
said the pristeen Filfey, "but it's clearly worthless as a marketing
tool for us." The shocking sales numbers are from a schematic presented
by statisticians at MIT. No one at the press conference
could understand the schematic, so reporters just took the word of the
eggheaded researchers until a Fisher-Price version of
the schematic can be made available to the press some time next month.
Meantime, the women's swimsuit industry is talking about shelving the
ineffective magazine approach in favor of alternative methods of boosting
sales, including telemarketing, giving swimsuits away inside cereal boxes,
and for large outdoor events, two flesh-colored blimps sailing around
in a huge bra.
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