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PAR KINGS ASKED TO LEAVE MAUI!
Tupriceefayu, HI - The 'Harlem Globetrotters
of Golf,' the Par Kings, were asked by Hawaiian state officials
to leave the islands after their exhibition at the Mercedes Tournament
on Maui received complaints from 300 of the 330 people in attendance.
"There's always that one percent that spoils it for everybody
else trying to have a good time," said Par King putt pro
Kenny Flence. Apparently, the Par Kings newest routine, "Hit
It Off Ya Drawers!" requires the Kings to de-pant, which
leaves the boxer shorts susceptible to the powerful Kona winds
that blast Maui this time of year. In addition to the complaints,
Par King driving expert Mick Luglewitz received what doctors had
to call a "broken groin tee" in order to avoid FCC fines.
The group will take three weeks off and try to re-choreograph
"Drawers" for the Pebble Beach Pro-Am.
RAPID CITY STICKSTERS TOUR POSTPONED!
Crumbs, NE - The 'Harlem Globetrotters of Hockey,'
the Rapid City Sticksters, postponed the remaining four dates
of their North Prairie tour after two members of the team were
arrested in Billings, Montana on old charges stemming from a brawl
in the old National Hockey League. Luc LaFlegme
and Gary Pudd, who played nine games for the Buffalo Sabres
in 1993, were arrested on charges of "assaulting a fan with
his own skull" stemming from a brouhaha between periods of
their ninth and final game with the Sabres. LaFlegme and Pudd
could be in jail 18 months, but new Stickster head coach Sanni
Sannistromm said he would interview replacement players from the
now-defunct NHL, provided "they could skate on mushy ice
and they knew their way around a funny physical schtick."
SPORTALICIOUS! BOWL GAME SHORTENED
BY BLIZZARD!
Oshkosh, WI - The second annual Sportalicious!
Naked Chicks In The Press Box Bowl was once again a huge success
despite being shortened 17 minutes by a life-threatening snow
squall that struck the Fox River Valley. Held December 23rd at
University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh Titan Stadium,
with a special reprieve from the NCAA allowing
sponsors to use teams with losing records for bowls with less
than a $3500 payout, the 3-8 Illinois Fighting Illini
were leading a team believed to be Nebraska,
that was playing in ski masks and camouflage jerseys. The score
was 10-6 in the third quarter when the squall blew through, chasing
the over 270 fans into the Hofbrau Haus snack area. "Still
a great way to get our name out there," said Sportalicious!
managing editor Chet Waterhouse, who added
the payouts were pro-rated for the shortened game.
SPRAINED ANKLE HALTS VIDEO GAMES
CONVENTION!
Las Vegas, NV - The Crazy Ass Way Violent Video
Games Convention in Las Vegas was stalled when keynote speaker,
13-year old game phenom Boff McTam, broke his ankle and an innocent
tram driver's neck trying to fly off the "S" in the
Duke Dickert's 'Skytropolis Casino' sign on his skateboard. McTam
was immediately signed to a six-episode contract by MTV
executives.
LEAGUE: VIKINGS, PACKERS TO COMBINE
ROSTERS VS. PHILLY!
Green Bay, WI - The NFL announced
Monday that despite the Vikings' playoff victory
Sunday against the Green Bay Packers, the league
is encouraging the two franchises to set aside their bitter differences
and combine rosters for their upcoming game against the Philadelphia
Eagles. "If the Vikes go in solo, they'll get stomped
like a Mormon in the South Bronx," said league spokesman
Clete Buntz. The league has temporarily suspended trade regulations
so the Vikings can add several Packers, drop some of their own
players and even mix uniforms to confuse the Eagles.
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