ARGUMENTS STALL BOCCI PLAYOFFS! Port Portola, PA - The five-team American Bocci League has suspended its round-robin playoffs because of constant arguing during matches. Little Italy Chicago, Detroit Goombas, Little Italy Newark, Boston Paisans, and the St. Louis Vowels took over seventy hours to finish three ten-minute matches over the weekend. However, attendance actually increased during the fights, and league officials said they may consider restructuring as the American Arguing League. They are arguing about it now. BRONCOS SWEAR OFF ROAST TURKEY! Denver, CO - After a crushing 31-point loss to the Indianapolis Colts, the Denver Broncos announced they would no longer serve roast turkey and all the trimmings for pre-game playoff meals. "I think we're grabbing at straws, but let's try it," said a weary team nutritionist Todd Plim. Plim said he doesn't believe in all that "tryptophan crap" but thought maybe there was something in the cranberries that made the guys too "mellow." The Broncos will also eliminate warm milk and cookies the night before games. USC, LSU TO DECIDE TITLE WITH SPELLING BEE! Deadbolt Gardens, CA - Officials from the University of Southern California and Louisiana State University have announced plans to settle the split NCAA Division I football title with a cage-match spelling bee at a secret location in the New Mexico high desert. Teams will match up position by position, with each player getting a word to spell from Bee head judge James Lipton of "Inside The Actors Studio." In the event of a tie after the regulation twenty-two words, the opposing placekickers will cut cards. SPEEDFISHING CHAMPIONSHIPS SET TO GO! Scorn Lake, MN - The International Speedfishing Championships will kick off this weekend, with teams from Finland, Sweden, the United States, Korea and Iceland competing in the combination ice-fishing/speedskating event. Finland won last year's title with 52 pounds of walleye and an elapsed lap time of 1 minute, 13.5 seconds. Sportalicious's own Chet Waterhouse will call the action for the Fishing Radio Network. NOT ENOUGH RABBITS FOR RABBIT HUNT! Slaughterton, ND - The Slaughterton Annual Rabbit Hunt is being postponed because of a shortage of rabbits. City officials have imported over 500 rabbits, but due to new ordinances enforced by a Christian-dominated city council, the rabbits must be segregated by sex. Male rabbits have either died of boredom or developed homosexual tendencies, and three that tried to break into the female cages were caught, charged with Lewd and Licentious behavior and placed in shackles in the town square.